


Undo

by pcyxiumin



Category: EXO, EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Series, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-10-05 20:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10316036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcyxiumin/pseuds/pcyxiumin
Summary: You’re wandering aimlessly when you meet him: the tall man who looks like an angel, the bright red hair on top of his head resembling fire. This angel boy tries to help you, but your mother’s words echo so clearly in your head.





	1. 1

Lately, even seeing the flashing lights of a police car sent you into a panic. You found it hard to concentrate on the work at hand, the sounds of the sirens drifting into your ears. It had only been a week since your mother had kicked you out and for some reason, the tall man offered to help you.

You didn’t know why he did that, obviously, but you agreed because you really had nowhere else to go. You learned his name was Chanyeol and he insisted he was going to help you, and that you didn’t owe him anything.

In your mind, the images of your brother flying through the windshield of the car played over and over. You wanted these memories gone. In the midst of this, the knock on your door broke you from your thoughts.

“(Y/N)?” Chanyeol’s voice drifted through the door. You’d grown to enjoy the sound of his voice. He was sweet and despite his deep voice, he never yelled or anything. Not that you expected it, but everyone yelled at one point, right?

“Yes, Chanyeol?” The door opened once the words left your mouth. Chanyeol was wearing a simple pair of jeans and a red hoodie - you loved to tease him and say that his hair matched the fabric. He just rolled his eyes at you whenever you did that, playfully nudging your arm.

“Are you feeling any better today?” He asked you, moving to sit on the edge of your bed. You looked down at your hands in your lap. Of course you weren’t doing much better today - your mother’s words still echoed endlessly in your mind and you were sure that you were falling behind on everything you were supposed to do.

“Not really.” You shrugged, not expecting his fingers on your shoulder as he gave you a look. You knew that look quite well by now, it was one of pity and sorrow. This man might have been helping you, but you didn’t want his pity. Or his sadness. Really, you just wanted him to pretend like he didn’t know anything.

The truth was, he didn’t know much. He just knew that your mother kicked you out and you needed a place to stay. However, despite the fact that your mind was racing, his touch on your shoulder distracted you from the pain and all you could feel was the happiness you’d been missing.

That scared you. It terrified you. You had no idea who this man was, you’d never seen him before in your life and quite honestly, if you had a different place to go, you would’ve gone there. The fact that his simple touch distracted you…

Who was this man?

It didn’t even matter at this point. He was helping you, what right did you have to question him? After your brother’s death, everything darkened for you and your mother - she blatantly ignored you and threw you out not even a few hours later. She wouldn’t have done that to your brother had you swapped places.

She always adored your brother way more than you. There was no sugarcoating it. Your father passed away just a few years before due to a heart attack and after that your mother to cling to her son. It was almost like you didn’t exist.

You always took the brunt of everything - except for the accident. Oh, how you wished it had been you instead. Even with Chanyeol’s oddly satisfying comfort, you couldn’t shake the idea that it should’ve been you. I mean, what did you have to live for? Your brother was a straight A student, he never did anything…but you, someone who just wasn’t those things, just got to walk away, unscathed? It made you hate yourself even more, despite the fact that it wasn’t your fault your brother just happened to ‘forget’ to strap the damned seat belt over his chest.

“Why are you helping me?” You hadn’t meant to blurt out the words to the unexpecting Chanyeol, but you couldn’t hold it back anymore. You wanted to know why this man had halted his life to help you speed yours back up.

“Isn’t it obvious?” He raised his eyebrow at you, and your stomach flipped. Was it obvious? He continued after your moment of silence. “I don’t want anyone to face this situation alone. I wasn’t going to let you sleep out on the streets. Especially when it’s all cold outside.” The corner of your lip twitched upwards and he smiled at that.

“Chanyeol?” You hummed quietly, reaching over to touch his shoulder as he had done to you. He looked at you, a pure and kind look clouding the dark brown swirls.

“Yes, (Y/N)?” His voice was soft despite its usual deep octave.

“Thank you.” You told him. “For taking care of me.” His tongue darted out to wet his lips before he took his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Do you…” Chanyeol paused for a moment. “You don’t remember me, do you?” His words took you off guard - of course they did, you were certain that you’d never met the tall sweetheart in your life.

“Remember you?” You raised your eyebrow at him. You heard him sigh and you felt bad, why didn’t you remember Chanyeol? No, there was no way you knew him. You’d definitely remember a face like his.

“I see.” He nodded slowly, looking away from you for a second before looking back. “It doesn’t surprise me. They said you might forget some things due to trauma.” You frowned at him. What did he mean? You hadn’t been hurt at all in the car accident, and your mother kicked you out because of that.

“Should I remember you, Chanyeol?” You tilted your head to the side and caught his glance.

“Th-they told me not to tell you anything, to let you remember on your own, but I’m so worried about you.” You had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Who told him that? You frowned in concern at the tall boy before you.

“Chanyeol, what are you talking about?”

“I think it’s time you knew the truth. What _really_ happened in that accident.” How did he know about that? You were one hundred percent sure you never told him about any of it - your brother, yourself. He didn’t know anything.

“Who are you?” You asked him, unable to stand the fact that he might know you more than you thought he did. “Do you know me?”

“Of course I know you.” Chanyeol shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. “I’ve been here with you the whole time, before and after the accident, you just don’t remember.” His words could almost make you sick - he let you believe that he knew nothing about your past. Whether someone told him to keep things from you or not, that just wasn’t fair. Not when your family had been broken apart because your brother didn’t wear his seat belt.

“Then why don’t I know you?” You asked him, watching the hurt flood into his eyes. Maybe you’d taken it too far - what if you were really important to Chanyeol? What if…what if Chanyeol was really important to you?

“Because your brain is hurt right now.” He shrugged. “But the reason I took you in is…not because your brain is hurt. Or because your mother asked me to, or because you lost your brother. Really, this wasn’t for you. I want you to remember me. I want you to come back to me.”

“C-come back to you?” Your eyes widened. “What the hell are you talking about, Chanyeol?”

“(Y/N), you don’t have to believe me, but I know what happened and I know you. Just promise me that if I tell you the truth, you won’t run.” His words sent a pang through your heart but you couldn’t understand _why_. You didn’t know why this man that you _swore_ you’d never met before the accident made your heart beat at least thirty times the pace it was supposed to.

“Chanyeol, I don’t have anywhere to go.” You told him honestly. You weren’t wrong - you literally had nowhere else but the streets to go. The only thing that would make you go to the streets instead of Chanyeol’s is if he admitted to being a murderer or something, which you _highly_ doubted that was about to happen.

“I-I was your brother’s best friend. We practically spent our childhoods together and sometimes I think I was more friends with you than I was with him. Now that I’m looking back on it, it probably was such a bad decision, but we…fell in love.” That couldn’t be right - Chanyeol was nearly twenty five and you weren’t eighteen yet. How could you have fallen in love with someone that was associated with your brother? And _illegally_ , at that.

“Chanyeol, I -”

“The accident wasn’t while you guys were going to the store to get shit for your mom. It was him dragging you from my house. It was him being so pissed off at me that he forgot to wear his seat belt and passed through a red light.”


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Will you show me that you love me, Chanyeol?”

That night, it was like your whole world crashed down on you. Memories of the past - the _correct_ past - flashed in and out of your mind, you couldn’t single in on one but you definitely saw a lot of Chanyeol. You heard so many angry voices and crying; you simply couldn’t stand it.

But when Chanyeol put his hand on your shoulder again, everything went away. You attempted to control your breathing, but how could you with all this information being stacked on you at once?

First, you and your brother weren’t out for your mom, you and Chanyeol were in love - was anything going right for you? It hurt your heart to see how devastated Chanyeol was when you told you him that you didn’t remember him. The look of guilt and sadness would never fade from your memory.

“It’s…it’s late. You should get some rest.” He said softly. “I’m sorry for telling you all of that.” He took a deep breath before he stood from your bed, only for your fingers to reach out and wrap around his wrist. He looked at you, his eyes glazed with concern.

“Can…can you stay with me?” You asked him shyly. “You make everything go away.” The air was tense and for a moment, you thought he was going to reject you, maybe even call you a silly child - that’s what you were, weren’t you? You even killed your own brother because you didn’t get your way.

“I…” He trailed off for a second, another sigh leaving his lips. “Yeah, I’ll stay.” The words warmed your heart and for some reason it swelled when he climbed into your bed. Your stomach flipped and you wondered if that’s what it felt like to be in love. You simply just couldn’t remember anymore.

“Thank you, Chanyeol.” You whispered before you moved closer to him slowly as to avoid anything weird. It was almost impossible to be ‘weird’ around Chanyeol. He was always happy and ready to take on the world where as you…were not. Within the past week that you’d been here, you felt more at home than you ever remembered.

“I’d do anything for you.” He mumbled before pulling you close to him. Although the feeling was familiar, you were sure you’d never felt it before. His tall body practically wrapped around you like a cocoon. His fingers danced across your skin and even though your mind was going crazy, he calmed it down enough for you to close your eyes and fall asleep.

* * *

_“Chanyeol!” You could barely recognize your own voice, but as you passed by the mirror in Chanyeol’s home, you saw your reflection. You looked happy. Despite not being able to remember anything, you knew exactly what this was. In your dreamworld, you remembered everything._

_“You’re here.” He turned the corner and faced you, pulling you close by wrapping his arms around your waist. He was so much taller than you that it was almost impossible to kiss him without efforts on both ends. His lips were so soft against yours, and no matter how wrong this relationship was, you knew you loved Chanyeol._

_“I am.” You grinned. “I missed you.”_

_“I missed you too.” He said immediately, pulling you to his couch to cuddle you and watch the movie that he’d planned. You had something else planned, however, and no matter how nervous it made you, you were determined to show Park Chanyeol how much you really loved him._

_You turned over to face him, watching as he concentrated on the screen. Was it too early to ask him for this? You and your brother’s best friend had been secretly dating for nearly six months now, the only other soul that knew was your best friend, and you trusted her with everything._

_Chanyeol noticed you watching him, looking down to see you. The corners of his mouth twitched into a smile but with a burst of confidence, you leaned up and pressed your lips against his. He hummed against your lips before kissing you back. He must’ve realized how urgent your kiss was, because he pushed you away and looked at you with wide eyes._

_“Calm down there.” He teased you, but you didn’t want to calm down. You wanted him. You wanted to give yourself to him. Chanyeol was a very nice guy, in all the six months that you’d dated him, he never once asked for anything more than a kiss. It was even rare for the two of you to have a makeout session._

_“Chanyeol,” Your tone was serious now, you wanted him to know that you were his. “I want you.” At your words, the breath hitched in his throat and his hand moved away from your hip._

_“I - we can’t.”_

_“Why?” You asked, tracing your fingers up his arm._

_“Because we could get in so much trouble.” He grabbed your arm. “And I don’t want you to regret anything.”_

_“Chanyeol,” You whined. “But I love you, you love me, what’s it matter?” If only it was that easy._

_“You’re right, I do love you, and that’s why I can’t let you do this.” He hid the shakiness of his voice so well that you almost didn’t hear it._

_Your cheeks were hot with embarrassment, he didn’t want you. That had to be what it was. You turned back around and stood from his couch and walked towards the door - the embarrassment took away all your shame._

_“Woah, hold on, where are you going?” He stood immediately after you and grabbed your arm. “Where are you going?” He repeated himself._

_“I can’t stay now.” You pouted. “That was so embarrassing.”_

_“What’s embarrassing?” He furrowed his eyebrows. Was he being serious?_

_“My own boyfriend doesn’t want me.” It was clear that your words shocked him, but you didn’t care. “I just wanted to prove to you that I loved you and I don’t know any other way. Isn’t that what sex is for? To show that you love someone?”_

_“Babe,” He said quietly, gently grasping your arms. “Of course I want you. I just want you to make sure you want me. Once you do things like this, you can’t take it back. I don’t want you to think we have to have sex for me to love you.” You allowed him to pull you into a hug but there was still something pulling at your heartstrings. You really wanted Chanyeol and you were sure that there was nothing that would’ve hidden that from him._

_“Will you show me that you love me, Chanyeol?” The words sounded so innocent as they escaped your mouth, but both you and Chanyeol knew what you meant. You wanted him, you needed him, and you knew he wanted you too._

_Chanyeol led you to his bedroom soon after that, leaving the TV on in the living room, both of you so easily forgetting the movie that played as his body hovered over yours. Chanyeol had known for a long time that you were a virgin - you never had a serious boyfriend before him._

_To say Chanyeol showed you that he loved you would be an understatement. It was painful in the most pleasurable way, when he thrusted into you the first time you were sure that your body was going to rip in half. He was so sweet and gentle, thrusting slowly as he stared deep into your eyes._

_The pleasure he gave you was enough to make your toes curl even days later. Even though you were dreaming, it felt so real. Soon enough his lips were locked with yours and your legs were wrapped around his waist, allowing him so deep inside you that you thought there was no way he could go any further._

_His moans and whimpers were one of your favorite sounds, you decided and you also decided that you wanted to hear them a lot. You let his body please yours. Both yours and Chanyeol’s moans were loud once you finished. Your legs were shaking and you were positive you wouldn’t be able to walk if you tried - your lower half was numb. You clawed at his shoulders and heard him whine loudly before he pulled out of you and shot his warm, white liquid all over your body._

_He nearly collapsed against you as he panted against the skin of your neck, leaving a trail of kisses from your neck to your lips. He kissed you like his life depended on it before he laid down next to you._

_“Do you have to go home tonight?” He asked, kissing your shoulder as he pulled you close to him._

_“No,” You hummed, still in absolute bliss. “They think I’m staying at Minji’s.” You curled into his chest and he held you closer, kissing the top of your head._

_“I love you so much.” He whispered. “I know I don’t show it very well, but I do. It’s strange, really, I watched you grow up and now I’m head over heels in love with you.” He chuckled, shaking his head._

_“I love you too, Chan.” You grinned, despite him not being able to see you. “I always will.”_

* * *

When you woke up the next morning, still in Chanyeol’s arms, you were almost surprised about the dream you had - it was slowly fading away from you but you were sure you would remember it. Had that really happened? Was that part of the missing story?

Chanyeol was softly snoring next to you and you almost smiled at how cute he looked with his face pressed against the pillow like that. He looked impossibly angelic. You had the urge to kiss him, but you quickly shook that from your head. Dream or not, you didn’t know who this man was. Even then, there was no guarantee that your dream was real. Despite that…you had sex with Chanyeol in it.

You got up to brush your teeth and once you did that you went into the kitchen to make coffee. You watched the liquid fall into the pot like it was magic, only looking up when you heard Chanyeol walk in behind you. His hair was messy from sleeping on it, sticking out all over the place.

“You left.” He yawned, his tired eyes staring into yours for answers. He was still wearing the red hoodie and his sweatpants.

“I was making coffee.” You laughed. “Thank you, by the way. For staying.” You cleared your throat awkwardly after that, glad that the coffee pot beeped before Chanyeol could say anything else.

“Are you okay?” He raised an eyebrow at you. “You seem different.”

“Chanyeol…did we…” You didn’t want to finish the question, the embarrassment already burning on your cheeks.

“Did we what?”

“Did we have sex?”

“Oh.” He cleared his throat awkwardly, running his fingers through his messy hair. “Um, yeah. Twice.” You couldn’t help but note that he was cute when he was flustered, despite the topic.

“Did my brother know? Not about the sex, obviously, but about us?”

“No.” Chanyeol shrugged. “Well, I mean, he found out, but neither of us told him. It was your friend, Minji. You told her what we did and she thought I was taking advantage of you so she told your brother.”

“But I was the one who - I started it.” You words made his eyes shoot up to yours, and you realized exactly what you’d done. You told him that you remembered making a move on him.

“How did you…did you remember?” His eyes were full of hope. There was something about Chanyeol that made you feel safe, even before your dream you knew that he was a good person - he took care of you and didn’t ask you for much in return.

“I-I had a dream last night.” You were hoping the blush wasn’t burning on your face, even though the heat was practically radiating from your cheeks.

“About?” He raised his eyebrow, but you were sure he knew exactly what you were talking about. You wouldn’t have randomly asked him if you had sex with him out of nowhere - there was always a motive.

“You. Us. Our first time together.” There was no point in holding it back now. He could’ve figured out what you dreamed about anyway. You watched as he looked at you, in his eyes was a glimpse of love and longing.

“I miss you so much.” He breathed, and you watched as the tears gathered in his eyes. “Please come back to me.”

You couldn’t recall who made the first move, but someone did and his familiarly soft lips were pressed against yours.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Just pretend. Just for right now. Pretend you remember me.”

When his lips left yours, you were more in shock than anything. You almost felt dizzy as you remembered the familiar sensation. When his lips touched yours, it felt natural, like you’d done it so many times before. His eyes staring deep into yours made you nervous, you saw the longing in his eyes and you could only wonder how much the two of you had been through together.

“Chanyeol…” His name left your lips quietly, you could barely hear yourself but Chanyeol was apt to hear anything you said. The air was almost crackling around the two of you, you couldn’t help but want to know more about your past.

“Yes?”

“Tell me what happened. How we fell in love.” You were still close to Chanyeol, you wanted to believe him but your memory just wouldn’t permit it.

So he told you.

* * *

_He knew he was more fond of you than he should’ve been. He realized what these feelings had amounted to a year before anything started between the two of you. He was angry with himself because he loved you - you were like his little sister and your brother was his best friend. Not to mention you were underage at sixteen. He was twenty-four, he tried to shove his feelings away and stay away from you._

_You didn’t allow that, however, because whenever he spent time with your brother, you were there too. It took you a while to warm up to people, he’d realized that when new people came around. He’d known you his whole life, he used to call you childish and immature and sometimes he’d even make you cry, with your mom’s excuse of ‘that’s just what boys do’._

_Even your mom had begun to catch on to Chanyeol’s feelings, while your brother was absolutely oblivious. Chanyeol was like another son to your mother, she didn’t approve of his feelings towards you and tried to keep you away from him._

_It was safe to say it didn’t work._

_It was the day you called him, asking if you could come over. You were bored and lonely and Chanyeol was your friend too; it wasn’t fair that your brother got to see Chanyeol and you didn’t. You weren’t going to let your friend go that easily._

_Of course he accepted, and you told your mother you were going to Minji’s and you left. You had your own car and you could drive and you knew where Chanyeol’s house was, so there was no problem after that._

_It had been two weeks since you’d seen Chanyeol. Sure, you had Minji but you hadn’t grown up with her as you had with Yeol. It was obvious that you had a crush on Chanyeol - who didn’t grow to have a crush on their older brother’s best friend?_

_He hugged you tightly before the two of you settled on the couch to watch a movie. You leaned your head against his shoulder and his arm was slung over yours. You always felt safe around him, like nothing could hurt you._

_“What color should I dye my hair?” Chanyeol asked, scrunching his nose up. The movie both of you picked was pretty much forgotten at this point. You leaned away to look at him, running your fingers through the raven black hair. You narrowed your eyes in concentration before the color came in your mind._

_“Red.” You told him. He raised his eyebrow at you._

_“Seriously?”_

_“Yeah! Maybe I’ll have a reason to give you back that red sweatshirt.” You teased him._

_“I like when you wear it though.” The words were so simple yet so full. Your heart skipped a beat and you looked into Chanyeol’s eyes. The air around the two of you became tense and his words made you happier than they should’ve._

_“Why?” The question was innocent, you didn’t expect Chanyeol to tell you what he did._

_“Because I love you.” He was quiet, quieter than you’d ever heard him before. You didn’t know what to do - did you tell him? Did you move away from him? You knew your brother would be so mad, your mother as well. There was no denying it, you loved him._

_“Chanyeol…”_

_“I don’t expect anything.” He said quickly. “I know it’s bad, in every way, you’re technically still a kid and I should find someone my own age but you’re just…always on my mind. That’s why your mom doesn’t let me around you anymore. She knows.”_

_“I’m old enough to make my own decisions.” You said stubbornly. You heard a small chuckle leave his lips and you frowned. What was funny about what you said?_

_“You…you’re never one to give up, that’s for sure.” His hand was over yours now and you were certain your heart was going to burst right out of your chest._

_“I don’t want to give up.” You moved closer to him and you could clearly see his body tense._

_“You have no idea how bad this is.” He whispered, clearing his throat. “We can’t…” You ignored him. You absolutely had no idea what you were doing, but you had kissed a couple people in your time. As soon as you kissed him, he seemingly melted in your touch._

_You’d always imagined what his lips would feel like. They were soft and he tasted like popcorn. You gripped his arms tightly and he pulled you close to him and over his lap. You didn’t know how far this would go, but you were enjoying Chanyeol right now._

_“This is so bad.” He whined once his lips left yours, only to reconnect them seconds later. You never thought you would be this close to Chanyeol and the thrill it gave you surpassed any dangers that could’ve worried you._

_His grip on your hips was firm, his hands were like steel and yours were in his hair. You’d always enjoyed how soft his hair was, and he never minded when you played with it._

_The knock at the door pulled Chanyeol away from you. You almost whined, but you moved off his lap and fell against the couch. You couldn’t believe that had just happened, you were definitely confused - there was no way Chanyeol didn’t love you._

_When Chanyeol opened the door there was a slight exchange of words before a familiar face entered Chanyeol’s apartment - Kim Junmyeon, another friend of Chanyeol and your brother. You’d seen him around a lot but he never bothered to have even the smallest conversation with you. You didn’t blame him, he was even older than your brother._

_“Is - Chan, is that Jinhwa’s little sister?” Junmyeon must’ve been taken aback. You stood up and bowed your head to him in respect, glad that the lights were off or he would’ve seen your blush._

_“It’s nice to see you, Junmyeon.” You gave him a small smile before you headed towards Chanyeol._

_“Chanyeol.” Junmyeon’s voice was usually soft and full of humor, but now he was completely serious. “You have Jinhwa’s little sister in your apartment, with the lights off, watching a movie?” The assumption made your face heat up._

_“Jun, you know I wouldn’t do that.” Chanyeol said, matching Junmyeon’s tone perfectly. “I’m not an idiot. She’s a friend, what’s wrong with that?”_

_“What’s wrong with that?” Junmyeon scoffed. “She’s nearly ten years younger than you! She’s not even legal yet, even having her here is just weird.”_

_“It doesn’t matter if she’s legal or not because we’re not doing anything wrong!” Chanyeol’s voice began to raise and you knew that if you didn’t stop them, things would escalate even more. Your brother didn’t even know you were there._

_“Junmyeon, he’s like a brother to me.” That was more of a lie than anything you’d ever told in your entire life, you were sure. “I haven’t seen him in weeks and I asked if I could come over. He didn’t do anything wrong. Wouldn’t you lie to your family if you had to, to see your brother?” You tilted your head to the side and heard the sigh escape Junmyeon’s lips._

_“See?” Chanyeol’s voice was significantly quieter. “You of all people should know that I’m not a bad guy. Besides, who the hell watches a movie with the lights on?”_

_You half expected Junmyeon to tell the two of you that he was going to stay for the rest of the movie, and that upset you. You and Chanyeol had a lot to talk about. Junmyeon didn’t take much time to leave with his trust in Chanyeol (wrongly) restored._

_Now the two of you sat at a reasonable space apart on the couch, you looking at your hands in your lap and him looking at you. After Junmyeon said the things he did, you realized your mistake and you were sure you’d never be able to show your face around Chanyeol again. He was going to acknowledge his mistake, probably make you leave, and you’d never speak to him again. That scared you. You had Chanyeol your whole life and the idea of not seeing him was almost enough to make you cry._

_“So,” You began quietly after clearing your throat. “I’ll go now. I’m sorry.” You stood up. Once you began to walk, you were more than shocked when you felt his fingers around your wrist._

_“Why are you leaving?” He asked._

_“Because.” You shrugged. “You’re going to tell me that I should anyway, right?” Chanyeol seemed taken aback by your words. This man was full of surprises._

_“Why would I tell you to leave?” He pulled you back down to the couch and you almost felt numb. Why wouldn’t he tell you to leave? Of course he would, there was no way this could continue. Junmyeon was probably telling your brother of everything right now._

_“Because I was wrong.” You whispered. “I made you kiss me.” You didn’t expect the short laugh that came from his mouth, and you were more than confused._

_“You didn’t make me do anything.” He replied simply, shrugging his shoulders. “I kissed you just as much as you kissed me.” That wasn’t true. Although, he had pulled you onto his lap. That had to mean something, didn’t it?_

_“Why…why did you kiss me back?” You asked, hoping the timidness of your voice didn’t give away how desperately you loved him. You’d loved him for years, despite the obvious obstacles. You just didn’t care._

_“I already told you.” His words made you remember when his confession slipped past his lips. He loved you. He. Loved. You. He said it himself, but why was it so hard to believe him? Because he was out of your reach; older._

_“You can’t mean that, Chan.” You said quietly. “How can you mean that? Jinhwa would kill both of us and…we just -”_

_“I know.” Was his only reply. He shifted so he faced you. “I know I shouldn’t love you. But I do. I can’t help it and maybe it is pathetic, but I don’t care.”_

_“There’s nothing pathetic about loving someone.” You found yourself defending him but maybe in a way, he was right._

_“You can’t tell me that a twenty-four year old man being in love with a sixteen year old girl isn’t pathetic.” He scoffed, shaking his head. He ran his fingers through his hair._

_“Chanyeol,” You slid your hand into his, feeling his fingers intertwine with yours. “You can’t tell me that a sixteen year old girl being in love with a twenty-four year old man isn’t pathetic.” He looked at you and you could see the conflict in his eyes._

_“That’s different.” He told you, shaking his head._

_“Chanyeol?” You waited for him to look at you._

_“What?”_

_“Will you kiss me again?”_

* * *

As Chanyeol finished the story, you realized how familiar it really did seem, as if you were hearing it for a second time. It was clear to you now that Chanyeol hadn’t acknowledged your mistakes; now because of the mistakes both of you made, your brother was gone now.

“I don’t expect you to suddenly love me again, you know.” He told you. “Hell, you don’t even have to try if you don’t want to, I just want to know that you’re okay. You were always a good person. Always.” He turned away from you and began to walk away. Why was he walking away from you?

“Chanyeol,” You stopped him. “I want to remember. This, you, us. I need to. I want to remember why I loved you.” You could almost see it as his heart broke right in front of you. You hurriedly walked to him and hugged him tightly. His arms tightened around you.

“I’m sorry I let this happen.” His voice broke as he whispered in your ear. And that’s when it hit you - Chanyeol was your brother’s best friend. Not only had he lost you, but his best friend of twenty years. Was he blaming himself for Jinhwa’s death?

“His death isn’t your fault.” You reminded him. “Sure, we made him angry but it was his fault that he couldn’t even remember to put his damn seat belt on. Or the rules of the road. That’s on him.”

“He had every right to be pissed off at me. I-I took his baby sister’s virginity, I mean -”

“Chanyeol,” You interrupted him, making him look at you. “His baby sister isn’t a damn baby anymore. I made my own decision. Do you not realize that it was me who asked you?”

“But I still did it. I took that away from you when you can’t just take it back. It wasn’t fair.” He shook his head, now pacing the room. “I should’ve let you go. You should’ve met someone your age and you should’ve fallen in love with them…not me. Not me. I’m such a -”

“ _Stop_.” You commanded him, feeling your eyes well with tears. “Just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean it was your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong -”

“If your mother files a case against me, I’m guilty. I slept with a minor. I’ll go to prison for ten years and _maybe_ less if I’m good there. The law blames _me_.” He was more stressed out than he’d let on. You didn’t know if your mother was actually planning on filing a case, but you hadn’t heard anything about it. But then again, you didn’t remember anything.

“You’re like a son to her, why would she do that to you?”

“Because I killed her real son and I took away what she valued most in her daughter!” He had never raised his voice at you before. You really didn’t want to cry in front of Chanyeol, but the way his words hit you was worse than anything you’d endured before.

“You didn’t kill anybody.” You shook your head, walking closer to him. “I’ll talk to her. I won’t let her file a case, there’s no point. Besides, there isn’t any proof about what we did -”

“That’s exactly what I mean, do you see how fucked up this is? We - I broke the law. I promised myself I would never - never be the person to do that to you.” He dropped his head into his palms.

“You just did what I asked. No matter what, Chanyeol, I still asked you to. I gave you my virginity, you didn’t take it.” You tried reasoning with him but you both knew that he was at least a little bit correct - the two of you should’ve realized a lot earlier that what you were doing was wrong.

“Why did you trust me?” He asked. “How did you know that I wasn’t using you?” The question took you off guard because you _didn’t_ know that he wasn’t using you. You just trusted him.

“Because you’re Chanyeol. Of course I’m going to believe you!” You shook your head. “Are you telling me now that you never really cared?”

“That’s not what I said -”

“It doesn’t matter if that’s what you’re saying.” You rolled your eyes at him, a scoff escaping your mouth. “I don’t remember anything except that night and if I remember it right, there’s no way you didn’t love me. I’m young but I’m not stupid.”

“I can’t just…change the fact that I love you…fuck.” He turned around and his fist hit the wall, making you jump in surprise and gasp.

He hit the wall again, not as hard this time but the sound reverberated through the room. You sat there, unsure of what to do with tears welled in your eyes.

“D-don’t look at me like that.” He pointed his finger at you. “I miss you. Where’d you go? Why’d you leave me?” You didn’t have an answer to his question and he didn’t expect one. You were mad; not at him, but at yourself because you forgot someone who had once meant so much to you. You could see it within the man’s eyes that it was hard for him not to have you anymore. _What happened to you?_

“I’m right here.” You told him, holding you hand out to him. “I’m right here and I’m waiting for you.”

He walked closer to you, pulling you to him. You didn’t remember anything about your relationship with Chanyeol but there was a tug at your heart when his lips touched yours. You kissed him back, not hesitating at all. His hand was on the small of your back and your fingers were in his hair.

He breathed heavily against your lips, his hands not leaving the small of your back as he kissed you again. There was a sense of urgency and longing in his kiss.

“Show me.” You said, feeling him freeze next to you.

“What?” His voice nearly cracked, but he cleared his throat.

“Show me that you missed me.” You knew you were treading in dangerous water now - there was no saying what would happen at this point. His grip on you didn’t loosen as you expected it to.

“Y-you’re sure?” His breathing was off and you hadn’t ever seen him so conflicted.

“I’m sure.” The words left your mouth and he leaned down, grabbing behind your thighs and in your panic you wrapped your legs around his waist. You were pressed against him and you wanted more. He held onto your thighs tightly, probably scared that he was going to drop you.

“I’ve missed you so fucking much.” He whined, burying his head in your neck for a moment. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember me right now, I need you.” His voice sent a tingling sensation down your spine and you held onto him as he moved. Your back gently hit his mattress and he wasted no time in climbing over you.

His soft lips against your neck made you forget everything. His hands slid across your body like he knew every inch of it, which he probably did. He moved slowly, making his way to your collarbone. He knew better than to leave any marks but he sucked lightly on the skin to tell you that he wanted to.

“Just pretend.” He gasped against your skin. “Just for right now. Pretend you remember me.” You wished you did remember. You could see just how much he needed you. You just wanted to know _why_ he did.

“I’m right here.” You reminded him, rubbing his arms gently. At your words, he quickly reattached your lips. Despite your dream, you never remembered _actually_ having sex. Because of the sounds you heard, you knew it had to feel good. You wanted to know and Chanyeol wanted to show you.

His hands slid under your shirt and the feeling of his skin against yours sent fire through your veins. He gripped the shirt and tugged it over your head. You didn’t feel shy around him. You didn’t get the urge to cover your body as you expected. You surprised yourself when you reached up to Chanyeol and tugged on the hem of his sweatshirt, pulling on the fabric.

He knew exactly what you were asking. You had to stop yourself from staring at the muscles lined under the sweatshirt. His arms flexed next to your head, making a spark ignite inside you. He watched you for a second, looking for any sign that you didn’t want him. When he didn’t find it, his hand went to your pants.

You lifted your hips up, telling him to take them off. He complied easily, sliding them down your legs. His eyes scanned your body and you felt your need for him grow. He ran his fingers over your panties, a gasp leaving your throat. He sighed as he felt the wet spot.

“I’ve missed you so much.” His hand began to rub over the spot, making you squirm slightly under his touch. He continued to add pressure on you until you moaned.

Once you moaned, his hand froze against you. You began to move your hips against his hand, needing more from him. He watched you as you did so before closing his eyes and moving his hand away. His reached behind your back to undo your bra, sending it across the room before your nipple was taken into his mouth. As his tongue flicked across it, you moaned and arched your back.

This time when his hand trailed down, it slid inside of your panties. He rubbed your clit slowly, waiting to get a reaction from you. You started to grind your hips up, trying to get more pressure. He moved his mouth to the other nipple, leaving a trail of saliva behind before he slid his finger inside you. You couldn’t help the low moan that escaped your lips.

You couldn’t sit still as he added a second finger, stretching you out. You already felt better than you did in the dream and right now you only had his fingers, you could only imagine what he would feel like inside you.

He took his fingers out and you watched as he sucked them into his mouth. Your jaw dropped and your core throbbed for him. You sat up to pull at his sweatpants, but he just grabbed you and placed you back on the bed, rubbing your thighs.

“Patience.” He whispered to you, slowly pulling his pants down. You watched in anticipation, despite the embarrassment that made you blush. You had to force yourself to look away. You only looked back when you felt his fingers hook into your panties.

The look he gave you was full of uncertainty; as if he was asking you if he could continue. You nodded. You caught sight of his member and looked back up to him. He raised his eyebrow.

“Is it gonna hurt?” You asked him quietly, watched as his face softened. He lowered himself over you again, kissing your lips softly. His kiss almost took your worries away, but you couldn’t help but be scared.

“It shouldn’t, my love.” He brushed his fingers through your hair. “We don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.” His words made your heart flutter and you felt yourself falling for the man you were already supposed to be in love with.

“No, no, I-I want to.” You told him. “I’m just scared.”

“It won’t hurt. You’re not a virgin, you might take a minute to adjust.” Of course, you forgot. You blushed again, you couldn’t believe that you once again forgot that you weren’t a virgin. However, you were about to give yourself to the same man. Again.

You pulled him down to kiss you, already beginning to shift your hips under his. Your legs brushed against his and you looked at him. He buried his head in your neck and you felt his tip prod against your entrance. Your breath hitched and suddenly your nervousness was just replaced with the flying butterflies that made your stomach flip.

He slid into you slowly and you realized he was right - it didn’t hurt. The stretch was a lot, but it didn’t hurt. You held your breath as he stilled once he was fully inside you, peppering kisses along your neck. Your body already began shivering with pleasure as you cupped his face to make him kiss you.

You hadn’t meant to let the moan slip from your mouth, but once you did, Chanyeol’s hips moved. No, you weren’t a virgin, but this would be the first time you actually remembered sex and oh, how you wished you would remember this forever. You gripped his shoulders once he started moving and small moans left your lips, it was like every breath you took made another one slip out.

“ _Fuck,_ ” His voice was strained as he thrusted slowly. “You sound so amazing. You make me feel amazing. I love you.” He then leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. In that moment, there was nothing holding you back from telling him you loved him too; maybe he was just in fear of possible rejection.

“Faster.” You squeezed his shoulders, hoping he would listen to you. He did, brushing harder and faster against your walls. You felt him so deep inside you, filling you to the brim and stretching you. Each time he thrusted into you, he panted against your neck. You lifted your hips to meet with his thrusts, completely unsure of what you should do.

You didn’t know what the feeling building up in your stomach was but it felt so nice that you couldn’t help but moan loudly. Chanyeol nodded against your skin, acknowledging that he knew what was happening. You were so close, a few more thrusts and you’d come undone around him.

“It’s okay.” He whispered, kissing your neck softly. “Let go.” When his hand trailed down to rub your clit, it was over. A loud moan left your lips and your hips thrusted up, unable to hold back as the euphoria took you over.

The world faded around you as your mind travelled to a different place.

* * *

_“Jinhwa, you have to calm down!” Chanyeol yelled, his eyes full of worry as he watched your brother pull you towards the door to his apartment. “Don’t hurt her -”_

_“Shut the fuck up!” Your brother yelled. You’d never seen him this angry. You shrank back behind him, unable to look at him as he continued to yell. “You’re twenty-four years old and you’re fucking my sister! My sister! She’s not even eighteen yet!” Tears were gathering in your eyes as you tugged at your brother’s sleeve._

_“I’m in love with her!” Chanyeol yelled back, earning a scoff from your brother._

_“Then you’re fucking sick, Chan,” Jinhwa’s face distorted in disgust. “She’s a kid, what the fuck are you thinking?”_

* * *

The memory hit you within a flash, and when you came back to the present, you almost felt sick. Chanyeol had finished on your stomach, running to get a towel to clean you off. He laid down next to you and pulled you close to him.

“Ch-Chanyeol.” Your voice was shaky but you felt something else coming back to you.

* * *

_“She’s happy, can’t you see that?” Chanyeol lifted his hand to gesture towards you. “Isn’t that what you wanted for her?”_

_“Not with you!” Jinhwa snapped. “You’re fucking insane, you know that? To think that it’s okay to be with a sixteen year old girl -”_

_“Stop!” You yelled behind him, shocking both of the men in front of you. “Leave him alone!” You shouted at your brother, feeling the tears fall from your eyes. You’d never seen anger directed at you in that way. Your brother grabbed your arm, a yelp of pain coming from your mouth as he pulled you towards the door. You fought against him to get to Chanyeol, but you couldn’t, your brother was much stronger than you._

_That’s when Chanyeol moved. He grabbed your brother and pried him away from you, placing himself in between the two of you. You’d never been so scared in your life._

_“You’re mad at me, not her. Don’t you dare fucking hurt her.” Chanyeol’s voice was low and dangerous, and it surprised you. This was Park Chanyeol, the ‘Happy Virus’, the man you fell in love with._

_“You’re a real piece of shit, Park.” Your brother scoffed at him. “First you convinced my sister that you loved her so she’d give herself to you and now you’re trying to defend what you did?”_

_“There was no fucking convincing, Jinhwa, I do love her!” You gasped as your brother swung first, hitting the side of Chanyeol’s face. Chanyeol stumbled back a little bit, you rushed to him for support._

* * *

“Woah, are you okay?” Chanyeol’s voice was full of worry as you held onto him tighter. You looked at him with teary eyes, hoping he didn’t think it was because of him. He pulled you close to him, kissing the top of his head while you cried and tried to stop remembering.

* * *

_That time when your brother grabbed your arm, Chanyeol couldn’t stop him. You fought the best you could, he’d hurt the man you loved and that wasn’t okay. You tried fighting again once he slammed the door behind him and before you knew it the back of his hand was connecting with your face. You cried out in pain as you were sent to the floor, only to be pulled back up roughly._

_“You fucking idiot.” He growled, putting you into the passenger seat of the car as soon as he was able to drag you down to the parking lot. You strapped your seat belt on and ignored your brother when he tried to talk to you. He just hit you and he thought you were going to talk to him? As if._

_You realized how fast he was going, despite approaching the yellow light in front of you. You prayed that he would slow down and stop like he was supposed to. When you realized he wasn’t going to, you panicked._

_“Jinhwa, slow down.” You told him. He wasn’t listening so you had to raise your voice. “Jinhwa, slow the fuck down, the light’s red -” A loud horn sounded in the distance and that’s when the car hit you._

* * *

“Chanyeol,” You cried out, burying your head in his chest. His fingers ran through your hair as he rested his head on top of yours. You were sure you sounded like a baby but you didn’t care - you needed his support now more than ever.

“Sh, baby, I’m right here.” His own voice was shaky as he reassured you. “I’ll always be right here.” You sniffled and eventually felt yourself calming down. You looked at Chanyeol through your teary eyes and he just used his thumbs to wipe the tears away.

“I’m sorry.” You took a deep breath. “I remembered the accident.” His eyes widened. He pulled you close again and kissed your lips softly.

“Did it just -” He cut himself off, and you nodded in response. He sighed. “You know, it might be for the best if…if you don’t remember. You went through a lot of hard times because of me.”

“But I want to know. I want to remember.” You told him stubbornly. He laughed quietly and you were confused for a second before he explained himself.

“You’re always so stubborn.” He kissed you once more, his lips soft against yours.

“Chanyeol?” Your voice was quiet as you looked into his eyes.

“Yes, my love?” The way that flowed so easily off his tongue made your heart flutter.

“Can we go somewhere today? We don’t have to, I just want to…go somewhere.” You shrugged. He smiled widely at you and nodded.

“Of course we can. Just tell me where and we’ll go.” He sat up, the blanket falling from his shoulders. He slid his clothes back on nervously as you watched him. You did the same, throwing the pillow at him when he tried to watch you.

Once you were clothed again, you pulled at his sweatshirt again.

“Can I have this?” You puffed out your bottom lip at him and he sighed.

“It took you a month to give it back last time.” He tsked.

“Well, we live in the same place, so it’d be kinda hard to not give it back.” You explained reasonably, before continuing your plea. “C’mon, let me bask in your warmth and your scent.”

“My scent?” He raised his eyebrow.

“Shut up, we both know you smell good.” You rolled your eyes and tugged once more on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

“You’re too adorable.” He groaned, pulling the sweatshirt off again and handing it to you. you quickly slid it over your head and enjoyed how the sleeves rolled past your fingertips and hung off. He was so much taller than you that you actually could’ve worn it as a dress - but you weren’t going to do that.

“Adorable makes me sound like a little kid.” You scrunched up your nose and he rolled his eyes, a laugh escaping his mouth.

“You’re not a little kid. You can call anyone adorable, the age of the person doesn’t matter.” He pulled a t-shirt over his head before he walked back over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist. It felt so natural to be in Chanyeol’s arms that you almost forgot that you and Chanyeol weren’t in a relationship, technically speaking.

You weren’t going to be the one that brought anything up, since you had…forgotten him, but you were certain that this meant something to him. Of course it did; he nearly cried asking you to come back to him.

The sad thing was, was that you never left. You just forgot. Missing someone when they leave is so completely different than being in love with someone and then having them just forget you one day, _literally_. At least when two people broke up, they both remembered the relationship and the pain, whereas you remembered none of it.

You felt terrible, but ultimately, there was nothing you could do.

“Chanyeol…” You said quietly.

Your heart hammered in your chest. Could you really tell him this? Did you really even _feel_ it? Of course you did, it was always there, just buried deep down inside you. He looked at you, his eyebrow raised and for some reason you just felt like kissing him again instead of actually saying what you were going to.

“Everything alright?” He questioned, tilting his head to the side.

“Chanyeol.”

“What?”

“I love you.”


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m scared of hurting you and I know you deserve so much better than me.”

“Y-you what?” His eyes were wide as he searched yours for any signs of misinterpretation. You were sure that you knew how you felt, just because you didn’t remember anything didn’t mean that you didn’t know how you felt now.

“I love you.” You replied, swallowing despite how dry your mouth was. “I…I still don’t remember anything but I love you.” You watched as he processed this information, a dumbfounded look on his face.

“But you -”

“I know.” You nodded, not looking away from the brown orbs that were filled with confusion. “I don’t understand it either but it feels like something just…woke up.” His hands were shaky when he reached up to cup your face and you leaned into his touch, unsure why it felt so natural to do so.

His lips touched yours and a spark of what seemed like electricity flowed through your veins. The contact made you gasp against his lips when something else seemingly sparked as well.

* * *

_You knocked on Chanyeol’s door, the buzz from the alcohol making you more impatient than you usually were when you waited a minute outside Chanyeol’s door. You were about to knock again, but the door opened, a disheveled and tired Chanyeol standing there. He was obviously sleeping, his pajama pants hanging loosely off his hips and the shirt absent from his chest._

_“(Y/N), what are you doing here?” He was suddenly awake, bringing you inside. It was only a matter of time before he realized that you were drunk. Maybe not drunk, just buzzed._

_“I was at a party and these couples were kissing and I missed you.” You stumbled a little bit, a laugh escaping your mouth when Chanyeol helped to steady you. It had been two weeks since you and Chanyeol kissed and confessed to each other and he came up with every excuse under the sun to keep you out of his apartment._

_“Did you_ drive _here?” He scoffed, bringing you to his kitchen and flicking the lights on. “Do you know how dangerous that is?” He got you a glass of water and you drank it slowly._

_“I missed you.” You shrugged, staring down at your cup. But whenever Chanyeol wasn’t looking at you, you were looking at him. The no shirt thing was definitely working in your favor, his muscles were defined. It wasn’t like it was the first time you’d seen them, but it was the first time you’d seen them this close. You didn’t mention the bright red color of his hair. You were right. It looked amazing._

_“I’ve missed you too, but that doesn’t mean you should drive when you’re -” He paused for a second, turning to look at you. “Why are you drinking?”_

_“Are you gonna turn into my mother?” You shot back. He sighed and watched as you hopped up on his counter, swinging your legs. He leaned against the opposite one._

_“We should get you home.” He sighed, walking away from you. You frowned, and in your drunken state you weren’t exactly shy._

_“Why are you avoiding me?” Your words halted his movements and you watched as his shoulders tensed. He turned back to you and you saw the familiar look in his eyes._

_“I’m doing what’s best for you.” He said simply, his voice monotone. You didn’t like it - not at all. This was Park Chanyeol. He was never sad or upset. At least, he was never sad or upset around you._

_“I think I know what’s best for me.” You replied defiantly. You held your hands up as a mock scale. “This is how good you are for me.” You raised your right hand, then you regarded the left one. “This is how good other guys are for me.” The left one lowered significantly._

_“I don’t think that’s completely accurate.” He scrunched up his nose. “But either way, it doesn’t matter. We can’t do anything about these feelings -”_

_“Why not?” You snapped, surprising him. “Y-you can’t just admit your love for me and not expect me to want something more with you. Do you know how unfair that is? Why don’t you want something more with me?”_

_“I do. I_ do _.” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I know how unfair it is, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you want me to do. We’d have to sneak around your brother and everyone else, do you really think I’m worth that?”_

_“Yes.” You replied without hesitation. “Yes, I do.” You’d practically been in love with the man for years. While your brother’s other friends ignored you and pretended you didn’t exist, Chanyeol included you and he sometimes even stopped hanging out with your brother and their friends to make sure you were okay._

_“C’mon, we have to get you home -”_

_“Can you stop that?” You felt like a cry baby once the tears welled in your eyes. You’d missed Chanyeol so much and he was next to indifferent. “I don’t want to go home. I told them I was staying at Minji’s, but she’s still at the party. Probably with her boyfriend.” You were a bit jealous of your best friend and her relationship, which was part of the reason you craved for something to work out between you and Chanyeol._

_“Wait, a-are you crying?” He stepped towards you and you swiveled your head to the side so you wouldn’t have to look at him. It was harder to stop your tears when he was right in front of you, but you tried your best._

_“I’ll just go to Minji’s early. It’s whatever.” You tried to hide your sniffle as you slid off the counter, walking away from Chanyeol. Your heart hurt - why was he doing this to you? Why would he admit his love for you if he wasn’t going to do anything about it?_

_“Why are you crying?” He pulled you back to him and you timidly looked up at him as your body almost pressed against his chest. His grip on your wrist was soft._

_“Because I love you, Chanyeol.” You felt a tear fall down your face. “And I know that you love me too so what are we doing? What are you doing?”_

_“I’m protecting you.” He whispered, raising his hand and using his thumb to wipe away the tear._

_“I don’t need to be protected.” However, you leaned into his touch and he ran his thumb over your skin._

_“You make it so hard to keep you safe.” He mumbled, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards as he leaned towards you. The breath caught in your throat and you longed to feel his lips against yours. He kissed you, so softly, so delicately that you were sure he thought he was going to break you._

_You knew everything was at stake. You read books, saw TV shows, and these kinds of things never worked out there, but those were fictional, right? Of course you and Chanyeol could make it._

_“Can I stay tonight, Chanyeol?” You asked him. You were just so tired, you didn’t want to leave. He obviously knew there was no double meaning to what you were asking; you were reckless but not that reckless._

_“Just tonight.” He stated, intertwining your fingers with his as you followed him to his room. You asked him for something to borrow to sleep in since your bag was in the car and he gave you one of his t-shirts, which easily covered your skin for you. You made him bury his head in his pillow while you changed and folding your clothes up on the desk chair._

_You climbed into his bed and he turned over to face you. The two of you just looked at each other for a second. There was a troubled look in his eyes and although you still had your alcoholic buzz, you hoped you’d remember this when you woke up. Oh, how ironic that was._

* * *

“What happened next?” You exclaimed when he pulled his lips away from yours. Chanyeol looked at you with wide eyes. You cursed under your breath and realized that now you’d have to explain why you’d suddenly yelled at him after he kissed you.

“I-I don’t know what happens next.” He told you, making you laugh.

“I can’t believe you told me you loved me and then ignored me for two weeks!” You hit his arm and you could tell he was still confused.

“If you’re gonna remember all the bad things when I kiss you, I’m not gonna do it!” He held your arms to your sides. “You’re tiny but that hurts.”

“I didn’t remember anything bad - how many bad things are there?” At this point, you were joking now, messing around with Chanyeol who was doing the same thing.

“Oh, so many.” He said sarcastically. “Like so many.”

“I think I want to remember more bad things.” You watched as Chanyeol took his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Yeah?” He raised his eyebrow. When you nodded, a hint of a smirk danced across his face as he leaned in towards you. He chuckled quietly against your lips before he actually began to kiss you. You felt his arms wrap around your waist and you in turn stood on your tiptoes to tangle your fingers in his hair.

Ever since your first dream, you’d remembered that things were never mildly heated between you and Chanyeol - it was purely innocent or it was leading into sex. Right now, however, Chanyeol had a different idea.

“Remember anything yet?” He asked against your lips.

“Nope, not yet.” And that was when his tongue danced across your bottom lip. When you gasped it allowed his tongue to slide into your mouth and a shiver went down your spine. You didn’t know what this was, but you liked it. You liked it _a lot._

When the two of you needed to breathe, he moved away from you, but not before biting down lightly on your bottom lip and pulling it before letting it go. A quiet, short moan left your lips after that and you blushed fiercely, unable to disguise it as anything else.

Your hand shot up to cover your mouth and in return you got a goofy smile from Chanyeol. He pulled your hand away and pecked your lips. Maybe that’s why the two of you never had makeout sessions.

“You ready to go?” He asked. You almost forgot that he was going to take you somewhere. You nodded with a smile, but it slowly faded when there was a knock on the door. He cursed under his breath and reluctantly moved away from you.

He saw your pout and he shook his head, still smiling as he went to answer the door. He stopped and turned back around.

“Everybody else still doesn’t know…it was only your brother as far as I’m concerned.” He continued to walk once you nodded and you sighed loudly, sitting down on a chair. You ran your fingers through your hair to stop your thoughts and you heard a familiar voice talking with Chanyeol.

“Yeah, she’s been here.” Was what you heard Chanyeol say.

“Jinhwa called me that night.” Junmyeon crossed his arms over his chest. “He was so pissed off he could barely talk. He said something about you and (Y/N) and how he was going to drag her from your apartment.”

“And?”

“And what was she doing here?” You’d never heard Junmyeon’s voice so cold directed towards Chanyeol. “What the fuck had Jinhwa so mad that he couldn’t even speak?”

“Junm-”

“I _knew_ there was something going on between you two. Chanyeol, what the hell were you thinking? It’d be different if she was older but really? You were fucking his sister?” You knew that each of these words were like bullets to Chanyeol when you’d just tried to convince him that it wasn’t his fault.

“No, I wasn’t fucking his sister, Junmyeon, will you stop with that?”

“I’m not going to fucking stop, what you did was fucking wrong and it killed our best friend!” You had enough after that. You scooted the chair back and it fell over, slamming against the floor. You more than angrily stomped your way up to Junmyeon.

“Get out.” You nearly shouted at him. He looked back and forth from you to Chanyeol for a second.

“What?”

“You heard me. You don’t get to come in here and yell at Chanyeol for something that’s not his fault.” You hadn’t ever remembered being so upset with someone for something they’ve said to someone else (maybe Minji). “Chanyeol’s suffering too, and you’re here blaming him for his best friend’s death.” Your grip on Chanyeol’s arm tightened and Junmyeon’s jaw dropped, seemingly not expecting that reaction from you.

“And she’s wearing your clothes.” Junmyeon once again narrowed his eyes at Chanyeol.

“Because I asked for it!” Your reaction this time surprised both boys. “If I was really fucking with Chanyeol do you think I would be so stupid as to let my brother find out?” You weren’t wrong - technically your brother wouldn’t have found out if it wasn’t for Minji and her oversized mouth.

“Then why was he so pissed off?” Junmyeon shot back.

“Because his little sister was hanging out with his friend and he didn’t know about it. Wanna know what he did that day? He pulled me out in that fucking hallway and slapped me so fucking hard that I fell to the ground, so if you really want to know, it wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault that Jinhwa’s dead. It’s his own fault. He’s the one who didn’t wear a seatbelt and he’s the one who raced through a red light, not caring if his sister was okay. That’s on him.” You only spoke the truth (except for the first one). You hated lying about being with Chanyeol because you honestly didn’t see why it mattered. He loved you and you loved him, what was wrong with that?

“I know Jinhwa. He wouldn’t be that mad over -”

“Can you please just go?” You scoffed. “It’s none of your business anyway. What happened, happened and you can’t change that.” You didn’t like when older people looked down on you. You didn’t like that they assumed just because you were young that you weren’t aware of your surroundings or intelligent about “real world” things.

You were surprised when Junmyeon just nodded and left, only hesitating for a few seconds before closing the door behind him. You let out a sigh and nearly fell against Chanyeol’s chest. He held you close to him and ran his fingers through your hair.

“It’ll be okay soon.” He whispered before kissing the top of your head. “We’ll have to wait a few before we leave now.” You nodded and relaxed in his grip. From what you remembered of Junmyeon, he was never like that before. He had always been the responsible one of the group; he watched over the other boys as they piled onto his stress.

“I didn’t even think about the whole clothes thing, I’m sorry -”

“Don’t worry about it.” He looked into your eyes and smiled softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Saying it made your heart skip a beat. He leaned down and kissed you, one hand on your upper back and one on the small of your back. You giggled against his lips as he arched your back a little bit.

“What do you want to do before we leave?” He asked, slowly trailing his hands up and down your sides. You enjoyed this closeness with him. His body practically radiated with heat and his arms made you feel safe.

“Can you tell me what happened after I showed up here after _you ignored me for two weeks_ and I was…drunk?” You smiled at him and he nodded pulling you to his couch so he could look at you while he told you the details. You were surprised how much he remembered and you even envied him for that. Your head was in his lap as you looked up at him speaking, his hands playing with your hair.

* * *

_You woke up that morning and you were more than confused. You didn’t even remember where you were. Someone’s arms were also around you and you weren’t in your clothes from last night - it was safe to say you panicked. You saw the bright red hair and you calmed down, but then you tensed again and covered your mouth to stop from screaming._

_You attempted to wiggle from his arms without waking him, but it was safe to say you weren’t successful. He opened his eyes and stared right into your wide eyes._

_“Going somewhere?” He raised his eyebrow at you. “Why do you look so scared?”_

_“Because I’m - Chanyeol, I’m in your bed.” Your face heated up at the mention of the very obvious situation._

_“Are you - do you think we had sex?” There was humor laced in his voice._

_“Did we?” You were wearing his shirt, that was a sign right? Did you lose your virginity to Chanyeol and not even remember it?_

_“No!” He nudged your arm. “I’m a good guy. You were drunk and asked if you could stay.”_

_“Thank God.” You sighed in relief and fell back against the pillows before rubbing your eyes._

_You saw him frown and you realized how bad your reaction would’ve seemed. Honestly, sex with Chanyeol had crossed your mind more than once and it was the biggest fuel source for whenever there was a fire between your legs._

_“That sounded horrible, I’m sorry.” You sat back up._

_“No, it’s okay. You shouldn’t want to have sex with me -”_

_“Please, that’s definitely not it.” You covered your mouth and he just laughed, shaking his head as he sat up as well. You watched as he stretched. You took your hand from your mouth. “I’m just…”_

_“Just what?” He asked, continuing to stretch._

_“Nevermind. It’s embarrassing.” You chuckled quietly and ran your fingers through your hair._

_“Oh c’mon, I watched your mom change your diapers -”_

_“_ Chanyeol! _”_

_“Yeah, you’re right, that was a little weird.” He laughed at himself. “Anyways, tell me.”_

_“Why do you wanna know?” You fought back, waiting for him to answer._

_“Because I know everything else about you.” He shrugged. “It won’t change how I think of you. Unless you tell me you’re some assassin who spiked my coffee or something.”_

_“Promise you won’t laugh at me?”_

_“Would I ever?” When you glared at him, he nodded. “Alright, alright, I promise.”_

_“I’m a virgin.” His lack of a reaction confused you._

_“That’s not anything to be embarrassed about.” He scrunched his nose up. “You’re only sixteen. You have plenty of time to get a boyfriend and fall in love with him and you know, do stuff.” He cleared his throat awkwardly._

_“Too bad I already love someone.” You huffed._

_“I don’t think you would’ve reacted like that about having sex with me if you really loved me so much.” He shrugged. “I get it, though, you’re young and you don’t know what love is.”_

_“I didn’t react like that because it was you, I reacted like that because it was sex. The idea scares me. And don’t call me young, I know just as much as you do.” You were starting to become upset with Chanyeol. You believed that he was the only one who the differently of you, the only one who didn’t see you as the baby they all knew you as._

_“So you’re saying that if I told you that we had sex, you’d be perfectly okay with it?” He raised his eyebrow at you._

_“No,” You shrugged. “But I was more worried about not remembering what it was like to lose my virginity. And we’re not in a relationship. That’s wrong.” His eyes met yours and you searched in his eyes for something other than indifference._

_“I lost my virginity in a bathroom while classes were going on.” You didn’t know why he told you that, and you also didn’t know why you didn’t like the idea of him having sex with other people. Just because he said he loved you, that didn’t mean he was tied to you now._

_You didn’t even know how to respond to that. You just stood up and walked over to your pile of clothes and began to properly dress yourself. You hoped you didn’t look too distressed, you didn’t want him to think you cared that much. But the truth was that you desperately wanted that love between the two of you to blossom into something beautiful._

_You were aware of the risks, you were aware of the consequences, but you just didn’t care. You loved Chanyeol. That was a fact, there was no way you didn’t know what love was, not when this man was standing before you._

_“Are you leaving?” He asked._

_“Uh, yeah.” You cleared your throat awkwardly. “I probably should. Thanks for letting me stay.”_

_He didn’t say anything as you finished changing into your clothes. You gently folded his t-shirt up and put it on his bed, completely aware of his burning gaze on you. You were so close to leaving, your hand was on the doorknob when he stopped you._

_“Why are you leaving?” At that point, you were fed up. You wanted Chanyeol and you knew he wanted you - why wouldn’t he just give up already?_

_“What’s so bad about me?” You spun around to look at him again. “What’s stopping you from…wanting to be with me? All I want to do is be with you and cuddle you and be a couple and you’re not reciprocating that and I just want to know why.” You took a deep breath before looking at him._

_“There’s nothing bad about you.” He told you. “I’m scared of hurting you and I know you deserve so much better than me. Than your brother’s best friend who’s eight years older than you. You have no idea how much I want that stuff too, but we just…can’t.”_

_“Sure we can.” You replied stubbornly. “Don’t you see what’s going on here? Stop being all sweet and nice to me and stop letting me stay here when you don’t want me here!”_

_“Don’t want you here? I always want you here. When you’re not here, I’m thinking about what you’re doing. When you’re not with me, you’re still all I think about.” Chanyeol said. You couldn’t bring yourself to believe him._

_“Then what’s stopping you?”_

_“I could get in so much trouble. Your brother would never talk to me again.” He explained. “But most of all, I could hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”_

_“Then don’t.” You replied. “But this? It’s hurting me. I want you to want me as much as I want you.”_

_“And I do.”_

_“Then_ prove _it.” You let out an exasperated sigh, running your fingers through your hair. “Right now, all you are is indifferent. You don’t care.”_

_“Like hell I don’t care.” He scoffed. “You really want me to prove it? Then let’s do this. The whole being in love and in a relationship thing. But nobody can know. Nobody. Not even Minji.”_

_“But Minji -”_

_“(Y/N).”_

_“Okay, I won’t tell her anything. I won’t tell anyone anything.”_

_“You know I love you, right?” He said quietly. “I would tell people if we could, but we can’t. I’ll get in trouble and it’s just…not a good idea. But I don’t care anymore. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t think straight anymore.”_

_“I love you too, Chanyeol.”_


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you not understand everything I’m risking for you? Everything I have to lose?”

For the next week, no memories came back to you, no matter how much kissing you and Chanyeol did. Although, at this point, you weren’t quite sure that you… _wanted_ to remember. Sure you missed a lot, but with memories and the past came pain. Why would you want to remember the pain? You enjoyed spending time with Chanyeol.

“(Y/N)?” His sweet voice called for you and realized you were still laying in his bed. You sat up, feeling the comfortable fabric of his t-shirt against your skin. You stretched your arms out before you stood up.

“Hm?” You hummed, walking out of the door to the bathroom to brush your teeth.

“I made you coffee.” He told you from the kitchen. You finished brushing your teeth and looked in the mirror. You almost gasped when you saw the dark mark at the base of your neck. You almost began freaking out, searching under the sink for your makeup.

* * *

_“You’re so beautiful.” Chanyeol hummed against the skin of your neck before you felt his teeth lightly scrape against your skin. It had been a week since Chanyeol had taken your virginity and you were still hypersensitive to anything Chanyeol did to you._

_“Chanyeol, I love you.” You felt his hand slide down to your soft shorts, pulling them from your body. The only separating his skin from yours was your panties. You wanted a lesson on blowjobs and Chanyeol could only get halfway through his tutorial before he pinned you against the couch._

_“You have no idea what you do to me.” He moaned as his fingers trailed over the wet spot in your panties. You bucked your hips up teasingly, watching his eyes darken._

_“I think I have an idea.” You felt his lips on your collarbone, sucking the skin and making you moan as his hand teased over your core. Your breathing became uneven as you tangled your fingers in his hair._

_“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked you, looking up at you before you once again felt his lips and tongue against your skin._

_“It’s the same answer as last time.” At your words, his hand slid in your panties, and a gasp escaped your mouth. “It’s always yes for you.” His fingers rubbed against your clit and your whole body shifted into his touch. He pulled your panties down quickly before readjusting himself so he was staring at your core. His hands kept your legs spread apart and he blew on your core._

_You shivered and once again tangled your fingers in his curly hair. You were confused as to what he was doing as you looked at him, his head in between your legs and dangerously close to your soaking core._

_“What are you -”_

_“Repaying you, my love.” He chuckled before he licked a solid stripe up your slit. You cried out and bucked your hips while pushing his head down closer to you. His tongue worked torturously slow against you and he had whiny moans pouring out of your mouth. All you wanted to do was touch him. You wanted him._

_His lips wrapped around your clit and the new sensations were driving you crazy. His tongue moved fast against you and once he moved one of his hands to play with your entrance, you knew he was going to make you cum just like this. You didn’t mind, you just wanted him to feel good too._

_One of his long fingers dipped inside your core and you threw your head back, attempting to clench your legs around his head. Your voice cracked as you moaned, not having any time to be embarrassed as his fingers slid into a sensitive spot inside of you._

_Before you could warn him, you finished on his face. He sat up, his member hard and red, begging for some release. He sucked his fingers into his mouth before he brought his body over yours again, capturing your lips in a kiss that was soft and rough at the same time._

* * *

After the memory, your body shivered. You took a deep breath before you left the bathroom. You weren’t going anywhere today, so you just let it go. You attempted to walk past Chanyeol, he held out his arm and stopped you before curling you into his body.

“Are you wearing anything under that shirt?” He reached down towards the hem of his shirt, sliding his hands up to feel your hips for the panties that currently weren’t there. You back was pressed against his chest and your breath hitched as his hand went further up, the cold air hitting your skin as the shirt began to ride up your legs.

His hands were so close to your breasts and you knew why he was hesitating. You understood but you wished that he would just initiate something whenever he wanted to, you were the one who started sexual things. You silently begged for him to touch you. You found it sweet that he still asked you if you were okay with things, but sometimes you wished he would turn you on just because he needed you. Like a regular couple. You wanted to be like a regular couple.

“It’s getting harder and harder to control myself around you.” He rubbed your sides to stall. He was waiting for your permission.

“Then don’t control yourself.” You said quietly, hoping that he would hear you.

“I-I have to.” He pulled his hand away from your skin, and stepped away from you. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

“God _damn it_.” You didn’t know where your sudden anger came from. “I just - you’re driving me crazy!”

“What are you -”

“You’re so infuriating, you can’t just start that kind of stuff and not finish it! You do that every damn time and _I_ have to start things! That’s so embarrassing for me that you can control yourself. I get that that probably makes _no_ sense, but I just - am I not good enough for you?” As your words spewed, you watched as Chanyeol’s jaw dropped. You were boiling at this point, you were frustrated.

“What the hell makes you think that?” He furrowed his eyebrows. “If - if I didn’t want to be with you, you wouldn’t fucking be here! Do you not understand everything I’m _risking_ for you? Everything I have to lose?”

“I want to be _normal_ , Chan, and you can’t even touch me without me _asking_ you for it.” You turned away from him and crossed your arms over your chest. “Why can’t we be normal?”

“What part of this relationship is normal, (Y/N)? You’re sixteen and I’m twenty-four. Hell, you still go to _high school_ and I’ve already graduated college!”

“You should’ve fucking thought about your regrets before you made me fucking fall in love with you again!” You turned to storm away and you were ready to break from his grasp as he jumped forward to grab your wrist. He pinned you against the wall, a look in his eyes that you’d never seen before.

Both of you were breathing heavily due to your anger and you suddenly felt too hot, even though you were only wearing Chanyeol’s t-shirt.

“I don’t fucking regret anything.” His voice was darker than you remembered it. “Is this what you really want? You want me to fuck you until you can’t walk? That’s what it is, isn’t it?” You weren’t sure how to respond to Chanyeol’s words but you felt the need between your legs grow.

You stared at him for a second, unable to formulate a response as he looked at you, his dark eyes expecting an answer.

“Answer me, babe, or I can’t do anything to you.”

“Yes.” You almost stuttered the simple word, so overtaken by this new side of Chanyeol. He gripped your thighs tightly and pulled you up, making you wrap your legs around his waist. You held onto his shoulders, scared that he would drop you.

“Don’t be all shy now.” He chuckled darkly. Was he about to fuck you against the wall? The idea turned you on but you’d only just gotten used to Chanyeol on top of you in his bed. He kept his eyes on you as one of his hands pushed his pants down his legs. The breath caught in your throat when you heard the fabric pool at the ground, resisting the urge to look down at him.

“Chan, hurry.” It was hard to move your hips towards his because of the way he held you, but you couldn’t wait anymore. This side of Chanyeol did too many things to you.

“Are you trying to tell me what to do?” He asked, leaning forward to kiss your neck. You gasped when you felt him suck hard on your skin.

“N-no marks.” You attempted to remind him.

“This is what normal fucking couples do, isn’t that what you wanted?” He continued to mark up your skin. You sighed in pleasure and decided to let Chanyeol do what he wanted. You finally felt his tip press against your soaking entrance.

You didn’t dare say anything else, and you were sure if you had you wouldn’t have felt him slam inside of you as he was now. You let out a scream of pleasure, not expecting for him to start thrusting immediately. Without any foreplay, he still slid into you easily, the sounds of your skin slapping together reverberated through the room.

You were thankful that he left his t-shirt on you, the wall rubbed uncomfortably against your back as he thrusted into you. He breathed unevenly against your neck, moans falling from his lips with every thrust. You were embarrassingly loud but at this point you just _didn’t care_. Chanyeol was making you feel amazing and you didn’t care who knew.

“Is this what you wanted baby?” He growled lowly into your ear. “Did you want me fucking you hard up against a wall like this?” You could barely even formulate an answer. You were so overwhelmed by him and everything he was doing.

You settled for moaning his name and tangling your fingers in his hair. He kissed you hard, with more lust than he’d ever regarded you with. The skin slapping together, the smell of sex filling the room, this was what you wanted from Chanyeol. You wanted him to take you how he wanted to.

One of his hands reached between the two of you and began to rub your clit, and you in turn dug your nails into his shoulders. This new kind of pleasure was making you build fast and you just wanted to last as long as Chanyeol did. He would go for hours if you could.

“ _Fuck_ ,” He groaned. “Cum for me. Cum on my cock.” You felt like you exploded after that, the pleasure making your skin feel like fire as you held onto him like your life depended on it. You’d never heard Chanyeol use words like that, and it only served to help you more.

His hips bucked wildly into yours as you tightened around him, breathing heavily as you came down from your high. You grabbed at his shoulders, probably scratching him with your nails until you left marks.

Your high barely faded in time for you to feel his spurts of cum fill you. Your stomach fluttered and your body shifted at the new feeling. He breathed heavily against your neck, still buried inside of you as the two of you calmed down.

You shivered when he pulled out of you, unsure of how you felt at this point. He gently placed you on the floor and you blushed when you realized your legs were a little shaky. He pulled his pants back up and kissed you.

“Really, guys? Again?” The two of you turned to the familiar voice.

* * *

_You threw your head back against the soft cushions of the couch as Chanyeol slid inside you slowly. His lips were against yours to keep you quiet and you squirmed underneath him. He bit down lightly on your bottom lip before he started thrusting slowly into you._

_You attempted to spread your legs more to get him deeper inside you, you couldn’t get enough of him. Your nails dug into his shoulders, not hard enough to leave marks but enough to give him an idea how overwhelming he was for you._

_“Are you alright, my love?” He asked you, softly kissing your neck._

_“Perfect.” You replied, only able to formulate the one word answer. His own breathing was becoming labored as he moved inside of you, brushing deep within your walls. Your moans were lost in his mouth as he kissed you softly._

_“What the fuck -” The voice made you and Chanyeol move away from each other. Chanyeol worried about covering you up, pulling the blanket hanging on the couch over your body. You hid yourself under the blanket and Chanyeol covered himself with one of his decorative pillows._

_The two of you both looked at an overly shocked Byun Baekhyun. Chanyeol made him turn around so he could get you dressed and at least pull his pants on before the two of you had a lot to explain._

_“Chanyeol…” Baekhyun was more than concerned once he was allowed to turn back around. “That’s Jin-”_

_“Jinhwa’s little sister, thank you, I didn’t know that.” Chanyeol grumbled._

_“Jinhwa’s underage little sister.” Baekhyun narrowed his eyes._

_“I know I have a lot to explain but please, the last thing you should do is tell Jinhwa.” Chanyeol led Baekhyun away from you and you frowned, why wouldn’t he talk around you? Was there something he wasn’t telling you? You decided that you were going to eavesdrop because you deserved to know too._

_“Chanyeol, you know I love you bro, but this is just reckless. I know how long you’ve had feelings for her but you - sex is…illegal.” Baekhyun was clearly having a hard time grasping what he’d walked in on._

_“I know, I know.” Chanyeol sighed. “But you don’t understand…I love her. I know this is dangerous and I’m being dumb but I really can’t help it. She - she makes me want to risk everything.” Your heart fluttered at his words, you almost melted right there._

_“You’re lucky I came here alone today.” Baekhyun shook his head. “Imagine if I’d brought Junmyeon or Minseok, you’d be dead meat. You know that I’ve got your back no matter what, but you better be fucking careful. And you better be serious about this girl because this really could cause big problems for you.”_

_“You know that I really love her. I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt her.”_

_“I know, Chan.” You heard Baekhyun pat Chanyeol’s shoulder. “Just be good to her.”_

* * *

“I could’ve been anyone.” Baekhyun whined, stomping his feet on the ground. “Start locking your door, you idiot.” You blushed, but due to your shaky legs, you couldn’t exactly go into Chanyeol’s room.

“What can I say, I’m an exhibitionist when it comes to you.” Chanyeol laughed this time off. “Besides, what dumbass walks into someone’s apartment when they’re clearly busy?” You grabbed onto Chanyeol’s arm and he smiled at you.

“You two go get dressed, I’ll wait.” Baekhyun shook his head, narrowing his eyes at Chanyeol. “You make me so uncomfortable.”

So that’s what the two of you did. You quickly got dressed and Chanyeol decided that he was going to shower before he went back out to face Baekhyun. You walked out instead, wearing the red sweatshirt you’d conned Chanyeol out of. You were about to walk back in the living room but you heard Baekhyun talking to someone.

“I don’t know - Junmyeon, trust me, if there was anything going on between those two, I would know. What do you want me to do? Force them to have sex right in front of me so I can tell you? They’re not into each other like that. Plus, she’s like sixteen, Chanyeol wouldn’t take his best friend’s sister’s virginity.” You frowned as you listened to him. What was he talking about? You were about to make yourself known but he began speaking again. “Please, if she was into one of her brother’s friends, don’t you think it’d be me?” You scrunched up your nose at that one. It wasn’t that Baekhyun was mean to you, but he never treated you remotely as well as Chanyeol did.

Soon enough, he was finishing his conversation with Junmyeon and he hung up the phone, standing from the couch and turning around only to come face to face with you. The color nearly drained from his face and his ears turned bright pink as he saw you standing there, your arms crossed over your chest.

“W-where’s Chanyeol?” His voice squeaked before he cleared it.

“I can’t believe you.” You hadn’t been genuinely hurt like this in a while. “Why can’t you just _drop_ the idea of something going on between Chanyeol and I? Why does it matter? I’ve already lost my parents and my brother, now you’re trying to take away Chanyeol too?” The thought of losing Chanyeol scared you. He was your last hope.

“It’s not like that, Junmyeon asked me to watch you two and -”

“Why does _he_ care?” You raised your voice. “You’re not the only ones who lost someone that night. He was my brother. I’m responsible for my brother’s death and you’re trying to take the one thing away that makes me happy? Do you have any fucking heart?”

“(Y/N), I’m sorry -”

“Sorry doesn’t fucking cut it.” The tears were welling in your eyes as you _finally_ realized exactly what Chanyeol was risking. “Fuck, all of you are _insane_!”

“What’s going on?” His voice behind you was what broke you. The tears fell down your cheeks and before you could lose your own balance, Chanyeol was holding you close to him. He was running his fingers through your hair and your head was pressed into his shoulder.

“Chanyeol, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -” Baekhyun cut himself off. “I’m sorry.” That was the last thing you heard him say before he left Chanyeol’s apartment. You tried to calm yourself down but you just _couldn’t_. Chanyeol’s soothing voice speaking to you, the words encouraging you to feel better but you just couldn’t. Why hadn’t you realized everything he was risking for you? Why did you take him for granted? Why did you let him put himself on the line in front of his and Jinhwa’s friends because you needed him? He didn’t need you, in fact, he could do so much better than you.

Chanyeol was more than surprised as you backed away from him, the ache in your heart becoming too much for you. He walked towards you again and you just backed up, letting him know you didn’t want him near you right now.

“What’s wrong?” His voice was soft but you heard the evident hurt laced in it. “Please talk to me, I can’t help if I don’t know.”

“Ch-Chanyeol,” You took a deep breath. “I’m leaving.”

“L-leaving?” He widened his eyes. “For how long? Where are you going?”

“Please just let me go.” You whispered quietly, looking at him with your blurred vision.

“I can’t do that.” His words broke your heart. You wished he would let you go.

“Why?”

“Exactly. Why should I let you go?” There was a sharp turn in the way he spoke. “What did he say to you?”

“Baekhyun didn’t say anything.” You shook your head. “I just have to go. You know just as well as I do that this was doomed from the start. I’m sorry that I’ve put you through all of this. I’m sorry that you’ve silently gone through this while all I did was ask for more. It was unfair.” You attempted to walk past him to get to your room, but he grabbed your arm.

“You don’t have to go anywhere. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I’m as emotionally invested in you as you are in me, you know why I can’t let you go. You’re all I have. All my friends left after - after Jinhwa died and you’re _all I have_. Don’t leave me.” You were shocked to see the tears forming in Chanyeol’s eyes as well as he pulled you to him once again. Your heart felt like it was going to explode, the pain you were putting it through was too much.

“I’m sorry, Chan, but I have to go.” Your throat felt incredibly dry. “You know I have to.”

“But I don’t want you to.”

“Just promise me you’ll move on. That you’ll find someone you love and they won’t be like me.” Your heart was breaking as the words left your mouth. “They won’t come with risks or law breaking, and they’ll be able to love you more than I can.”

“I can’t promise you that.” He said it quietly and you watched as the tears fell down his face. “I won’t promise you that.”

“You’re risking too much for me -”

“I can never risk enough for you.” He interjected. “The only thing stopping me from shouting from the rooftops how much I love you is your own safety.”

“Chanyeol…”

“W-we don’t have to be together anymore, but just stay here.” His words were strained. “I just want to make sure you’re safe. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

Your willpower broke. You hated seeing Chanyeol cry and not only that, but you hated crying in general. You approached him quickly and stood on your tiptoes to kiss him gently. The breath caught in his throat before his hands moved to grip your sides before pulling you as close to him as you could be.

“Don’t go anywhere.” He whispered breathlessly before kissing you again.

* * *

_It was one of the many nights you’d stayed at Chanyeol’s. It was the usual, you told your mom that you were going to Minji’s house to stay and you knew Minji had your back so you could go stay at Chanyeol’s._

_The two of you were curled up together on his bed, his fingers playing with your own in the silence that spoke more words than the two of you ever could. Your head was against his chest and he had his arm around your shoulder._

_You felt indescribably safe within Chanyeol’s arms and you knew that as long as you had him, you’d never need anyone else. Everyone had their person, or so it was believed, and you knew if that was true, Chanyeol would be your person._

_No matter what obstacles the two of you would face within the next two years, you knew he would stay by you. Wrapped up in his embrace, you felt like nothing could ever go wrong._

_“What are you thinking about?” He asked quietly, his large fingers still playing with your small ones._

_“Us.” You hummed in reply, feeling him squeeze your body._

_“What about us?”_

_“Everything. How much I love you.” You replied, feeling his chest rumble as he laughed._

_“I can’t imagine a world without you.” He said. “I love you more.”_


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah, look where your help got both of us.”

That next week was when you went back to school. You weren’t looking forward to it, in fact, you were dreading it. There was bound to be people who just gave you pity and you didn’t want that. You wanted to forget, to pretend that it never happened. However, today would be the first time you would see Minji since before the accident. She knew you would’ve been upset with her.

Despite that, you thought it was kind of shitty that she didn’t even text you to make sure you were okay. After you found out what she did, you were mad, you had every right to be. Especially after you had sworn her to secrecy, considering Chanyeol told you that she couldn’t even know. At this point, you wished you listened to him.

Your first three classes were with Minji and you sat right in next to her. It was weird to have to get up early after the two weeks you’d been gone. As expected, not too much had changed. Your friends were happy to see you and you were happy to see them, however you weren’t sure this was where you wanted to be. In other words, you felt alone. They treated you differently.

You just wanted to be the same person you were when you left, but you weren’t. You just weren’t the same person and you couldn’t help that. You only talked to Chanyeol when you had to. You didn’t know why you were doing these things to yourself but…it was for Chanyeol. Everything you did was for Chanyeol.

You hated not talking to him all the time. You hated the dead silence as you laid in your own bed at night, trying to get some sleep even though your thoughts were plagued with everything that was going on. It seemed that it was only late at night that you realized how much you missed your brother. He wasn’t a bad person, he was pretty much all you had growing up. There was no way you wouldn’t miss him.

You placed your elbow against the desk, zoning out as the teacher droned on about something. Your first hour was almost halfway over and Minji had yet to say anything to you. Did she just not want to? Or was she waiting for you to talk to her? You wished you could go back. Resetting things had never been considered this much for you.

Once the teacher finished his lecture, he went to sit as his desk and that left you to watch the clock endlessly, waiting for the bell to ring. It felt like hours were jammed into a single minute.

“(Y/N).” Minji’s voice broke you from your trance. “Are you alright?” You shouldn’t have laughed at that question.

“Fine.” You replied, facing the board again.

“I know you better than to believe you.” She said softly. Did she think her words would break you?

“Then don’t.” You shrugged. “Your choice.” She clearly wasn’t satisfied with your short answers. Honestly, you didn’t care if that upset her. She’d practically ruined your relationship with Chanyeol and with your brother, but your brother wasn’t around anymore for you to fix it.

“I was just trying to help you -” The bell rang, cutting her off. You stood, grabbing your things, almost deciding to ignore her before you looked at her.

“Yeah, look where your help got both of us.” And you shoved past her shoulder. Of course you were mad. It wasn’t fair. She stood there, speechless, as you followed your classmates out of the door.

* * *

_You slid the door closed behind you, stepping out into the sunshine. The summer sun beat down on your skin, already making a thin sheet of sweat form there. You were barely thirteen at the time, just wanting to sit outside in the sun. The pool in your backyard smelled of chlorine overpoweringly, but it was easy to ignore after you got used to it. The only problem was that your brother was also on his way outside, along with his three friends Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Junmyeon._

_Whatever happened, you were out here first and you weren’t going to go inside because of your stupid brother and his stupid friends. Well, two out of three of them were stupid, the other one just didn’t talk to you. Junmyeon never talked to you. It was to the point that you were almost offended, the man had known you your whole life and he’d spoken a sum of maybe twenty words to you._

_You sat at the edge of the pool, dipping your feet into the water and kicking the surface lightly. The water was the perfect temperature, but you wanted to sit in the sun for a moment. You heard the door open and you opened your eyes to see who it was. You closed your eyes again when you realized it was just your brother._

_“You have to go inside.” He told you._

_“Ugh,” You groaned, not standing from the side of the pool. “I can be out here too.”_

_“No you can’t.” He challenged you. You opened your eyes again and glared at your brother. He clearly just didn’t want you out there._

_“Why?”_

_“Because we’re talking about grown up things.” That made you scoff. You brushed your hair off your shoulder and rolled your eyes._

_“Like?” You asked, tilting your head._

_“Girls and stuff.”_

_“Perfect, I’m a girl.” You smiled sweetly, pretending to not comprehend exactly what he meant. You raised your eyebrow at him and he sighed._

_“No you’re not.” He shrugged. “You’re my sister. We’re talking about older girls.”_

_“Then I won’t listen.”_

_“Just…go inside. Please? I’ll literally pay you. I’ll do anything.”_

_“Didn’t that one friend of yours just turn seventeen? What’s his name - I forgot but he’s cute.” You watched as your brother’s eyes widened. You were joking, obviously, not about Sehun’s looks but definitely about being interested in him. You’d never like one of your brother’s friends. Even the thought made you laugh._

_“Stop that! That’s why I don’t let Sehun come over here.” He was practically scolding you. “He’s too old for you -”_

_“Calm down, Jinhwa.” You rolled your eyes. “I’m not interested in Sehun anyway.” You stood up and walked past your brother towards the door. “Tomorrow you guys get to stay inside.” You opened the door and as you were about to walk in, you ran into someone. The breath caught in your throat as you looked up to see Park Chanyeol. He was looking down at you, his tallness allowing him to tower over you._

_You suddenly felt way too exposed in your swimsuit, and way too close to Chanyeol. Your mind was screaming at you to say something or move, but you were paralyzed next to Chanyeol. And his muscles. You never noticed his muscles before._

_What felt like half an hour to you was actually just a few seconds before he spoke to you. A wide, dorky smile spread across his face despite what you thought would’ve happened. You were too afraid to smile back, still thinking that Jinhwa was going to kill you. You laughed awkwardly._

_“Hey Chanyeol.” You slid around him and didn’t give him time to answer before you were practically running away from him. By the time you made it to your room, the red blush had seemingly made a permanent visit to your face. You’d never been that close to Chanyeol. When did he get muscles?_

_After you changed (AKA putting your shorts and t-shirt on over your swimsuit, you heard a knock on the door confused you. Who would be there? You walked to the door and opened it, surprised to see Chanyeol standing there. You adjusted your shorts and looked up at him._

_“What’s up?” Step one, seem normal? Semi complete. There was no way you could talk to him now. You were embarrassed._

_“Why did Jinhwa make you come inside?” He scrunched up his nose. You frowned at him for a second, you were sure that he knew just as well as you did._

_“He said you guys were talking about grown up things.” You rolled your eyes before you leaned against the wall, folding your arms over your chest. You watched as Chanyeol laughed, running his fingers through his hair._

_“Jinhwa’s talking about his girlfriend.” Chanyeol’s laughter faded as he saw your expression stay the same. You didn’t find much humor in the situation._

_“And so is Junmyeon. And Baekhyun. And you.” You shrugged. “I can’t find it within myself to care what Jinhwa’s doing.”_

_“That’s funny.” Chanyeol smiled. “He’s always mad about your raging crush on Sehun.”_

_“Yeah, I don’t like Sehun.” You nearly snorted as you looked at Chanyeol. “I just say those things to make him mad. It’s funny.”_

_“You’re gonna give the poor man a heart attack.” He shook his head. “Anyway, come back outside. It’s your house too.”_

_“No, I’ll stay in.” Mostly to avoid Chanyeol and his muscles. He never had those before. “It’s fine, I have all summer to go outside.”_

_“But he just made you come in. That’s not fair.” Chanyeol frowned at you._

_“Trust me, I know, but I don’t want to spend my day with a bunch of twenty-ish year olds anyway.” You scoffed. “I’ve known all of you literally my whole life and Junmyeon’s talked to me like twice.”_

_“Junmyeon’s Junmyeon though.” Chanyeol reminded you. “I talk to you.”_

_“Stop it, I’m not going outside.” You nudged his arm and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards._

_“If you don’t go outside, then I’m not.” He said stubbornly, leaning against the wall._

_“Then it looks like we’re both staying inside.” You raised your eyebrow at him. He shrugged and didn’t move from his position against the wall._

_“You’re really going to sit here with me all day?”_

_“Why not?” He gave you a half smile and you finally gave up. Spending the day with Chanyeol wouldn’t be horrible._

_Maybe Chanyeol wasn’t so bad after all._

* * *

It seemed as if after you left Chanyeol, your memories of him came back. You tried to ignore them but every time he crossed your mind it was like you remembered something new. Would you ever completely remember? You were concerned at this point. All your memories came back in snippets and you never knew what happened next.

After school ended that day, Chanyeol insisted he could pick you up from school. You agreed, not really wanting to argue with him. You missed him. The hard thing was that you still lived with him. You still talked to him.

Whenever you heard his voice call out your name, you got sad. You remembered just how happy you were with him and you weren’t just going to take back what you told him. He was risking too much for you. You hated that this was a risk to begin with. You loved Chanyeol. No matter what happened, you wouldn’t ever stop loving Chanyeol.

“You can still talk to me, you know.” Chanyeol told you softly, not looking away from the road in front of him. You were exhausted. You couldn’t sleep without Chanyeol, especially when he was so close to you. It took all of your self control to not go into his room and curl close to him and hope you could fall asleep before the tears fell.

“I know.” You said quietly, taking a deep breath. Every time you looked at Chanyeol, your heart broke all over again. All the things he risked for you. All the things he lost because of you. If it weren’t for you, Jinhwa would still be alive. If it weren’t for you, all of Chanyeol and Jinhwa’s mutual friends would still be okay with Chanyeol.

“You look tired. Have you been sleeping alright?” He asked quietly, his voice so gentle that you almost felt tears well in your eyes.

“No.” You answered honestly.

He was silent after that. You looked over at him, seeing the look of utter sadness and exhaustion clouding his own features. The sight scared you. You’d never seen Chanyeol like that. He was always happy. Where’s the happy man now?

* * *

_On your fifteenth birthday, Jinhwa’s friends came over as well. You had a small party, if that’s what you could call it. You invited Minji and that’s about it. Jinhwa’s friends made up the rest of the people that could’ve showed up._

_Minji knew for a long time that you had a crush on Chanyeol. It was obvious to pretty much everyone except for Chanyeol. Your brother was aware of your crush and when Chanyeol wasn’t around, he would tease you for it. In turn, you would roll your eyes and send him away, denying every one of his accusations._

_But you did. You loved Chanyeol._

_You and Chanyeol were the last two in the kitchen. You were looking at the cake that was pretty much mangled at this point and you smiled. You only had one of your friends at this party, yet for some reason you were so happy. You didn’t remember what it was like to be this happy anymore._

_“It looks like you’re having a good time.” Chanyeol walked next to you, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. He smelled vaguely of frosting and the cologne he must’ve put on hours before._

_“Yeah.” You smiled at him. “I am.”_

_“Good.” He replied simply. “It’s your birthday. Gotta live it up, you know?”_

_“It’s not like I turned twenty-one or something.” You scoffed jokingly, nudging his arm. He smiled widely at you and you felt your chest tighten. You’d recently come to terms with how you felt for Chanyeol and you didn’t care anymore. It’s not like there was any harm in it._

_“Soon enough you will.” He bit down on his bottom lip. “You shouldn’t want to grow up so much.”_

_“Stop,” You scrunched up your nose. “You sound like my mother.”_

_“She’s right. Being an adult sucks.” He laughed softly._

_“It can’t be that bad.” You argued. “You don’t have a curfew, you can go out and party, you can date whoever you want, you’re quite lucky.”_

_“That’s not entirely true.” He replied. “I can’t date whoever I want. I’m single because I can’t date someone that I want to.”_

_“Who?”_

_“It’s a secret.” He faced you, standing more than close enough to you as he looked down to see you._

_“That’s not fair! Tell me.” You hit his arm lightly and he laughed._

_“If I did that, it wouldn’t be a secret.” His face softened as he looked at you and you felt your heart melt. He put his hand on your shoulder. This man was abnormally beautiful. If only you were a little older…you really loved Chanyeol. When you first realized it, you didn’t think it would last for long, but it did. It’d been a year since your crush on Chanyeol developed._

_Something about the way he looked at you seemed different. You raised your eyebrow at him but his expression didn’t change. You didn’t know what to say. You could’ve sworn you saw his eyes travel down to your lips and then his tongue dart out to wet his own. His hand on your shoulder put him close to you and a part of you thought he would hear your racing heartbeat._

_“Adults can’t have everything they want.” He whispered and you felt the breath catch in your throat. He was getting closer to you and he watched you intently, waiting for you to tell him no. Why would you say no to Chanyeol kissing you? You’d wondered for a long time what it would feel like._

_“Chanyeol, are you still in here?” Suddenly, reality hit both of you and Chanyeol quickly moved himself away from you at the sound of your brother’s voice._

_“Yeah, I was just talking with (Y/N). Sorry, are we going somewhere?” Chanyeol watched as your brother turned the corner. You felt incredibly awkward, not even able to talk to your brother without the fear of spilling what just happened. Did Chanyeol want to kiss you? You wanted to kiss him, and you were sure he knew that._

_You really wanted to kiss Chanyeol._

* * *

Night had fallen once again, you were cuddled up on your bed with your blankets, the clock telling you it was way past two in the morning. At least it was a Friday and you didn’t have to go back to school tomorrow. That was draining you both mentally and physically and you were nowhere near ready to tell anyone what was going on with you.

You missed Chanyeol. Your memories were stacking up now, you could remember a lot of things. You wondered if Chanyeol was also staring at his ceiling, right down the hallway from you, wishing you would come in and crawl into his bed with him.

Should you? You wanted that more than anything. Besides, before you and Chanyeol began dating, the two of you always cuddled each other. It was convenient, he was warm, and you were cold. Maybe it was because you wanted to, or maybe it was because your brain told you it was the only way you could get sleep.

You walked out of your room and stopped in front of Chanyeol’s door. You weren’t sure if you should knock, especially if he was sleeping. Your goal wasn’t to wake him up. You opted to just twist the door handle and push the door open, closing it behind you. You walked to the edge of Chanyeol’s bed, seeing him fast asleep. You wish it was that easy for you.

You hadn’t meant to wake him up, but you saw his eyes flutter open. You were sure he would tell you to leave, but he didn’t. He scooted over so you had some room and drew back the blankets for you. You then did exactly what you’d been craving to do for the past week: you buried yourself into his chest and held onto him like your life depended on it.

“(Y/N).” His voice was soft, still clogged with the sleep you’d woken him from.

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?” The question was loaded with meanings. No, of course you weren’t okay. You missed the man you loved and you missed your _family_ , the same one that had been so easily ripped from you.

“No.” You told him quietly. You felt his body move next to yours and you realized that he was pulling you closer to him. He kissed your forehead gently, his fingers playing with your hair.

“It’ll get better, my love.”

And for some reason, everything felt better.


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you too, and I don’t want you to think that you’re hurting me by loving me.”

That night was the easiest you’d slept the whole week. Being away from Chanyeol was really beginning to affect your everyday activities. You could barely pay attention in school without your mind drifting to Chanyeol.

However, no matter how much you wanted him, you had convinced yourself that you were doing this for him. No matter how much it made your heart ache, you wouldn’t give into your desires purely because it put him in harm’s way.

Minji hadn’t tried talking to you again since you’d walked away from her. You were glad about that at least. Now you wouldn’t have to deal with her or deal with your anger towards her. You could try to blame Minji, but really, it was your fault for trusting her. Everything went back to you.

You wouldn’t let Chanyeol go down for you as well.

That just wouldn’t be fair. You’d taken enough people down as it was.

Despite that, you couldn’t help but think about the fact that Chanyeol had so easily taken you into his arms. He didn’t question the way you crawled into his arms and he even pulled you close to him. You felt so sad it was beginning to make you sick.

You decided that you were just going to go home.

_Home._

What was home anymore? Could you really call Chanyeol’s house home anymore? All that’s left was the rubble and the aftermath of everything you had caused, of everyone’s pain you caused. You were sitting in your desk when you felt your eyes well with tears.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to end. You had been so sure that things between you and Chanyeol would work out. You cursed yourself mentally for even thinking that things could work. You killed your brother and you put Chanyeol at jeopardy - he’d even lost his friends because of you.

As soon as the bell rang, you left. You left one of the back exits of your school and got into your car, running your fingers through your hair. You hadn’t even bother telling Chanyeol you were leaving school.

You attempted to start your car, but the engine wouldn’t turn over. You smacked the steering wheel and cursed loudly, grabbing your phone out of your pocket. You had no other choice than to call Chanyeol. Not only did you want to go home, but you couldn’t just leave your car there.

* * *

_“Why can’t I come over?” You pouted, hearing Chanyeol sigh into the phone._

_“It’s one in the morning.” He chuckled quietly. “And I know what you’re trying to do.” You smirked and bit down on your bottom lip. Since Baekhyun had interrupted the two of you, you’d been attempted to get Chanyeol to finish what he started._

_“I mean, I would invite you here but I don’t think Jinhwa would like that.” You were just waiting for him to break and tell you that you could come over. The need for relief had been becoming a bit uncomfortable._

_“You’re bad.” He groaned. “So bad. You make me want to do so many bad things.” Something within you sparked at his words and your breath hitched._

_“Like what?” You said, testing the limits he was willing to give you. “It was so good earlier.” You were quiet to make sure that even someone passing by your room wouldn’t hear. “I want to feel you again.”_

_“You’re driving me crazy. Get over here.”_

* * *

The dial tone was still ringing in your ear as you waited for Chanyeol to answer you. You tried to ignore the scene that your mind chose now to remember. You were about to call Chanyeol, you didn’t need to think of -

“Hello?”

“Chanyeol, I’m stuck at school. Will you come pick me up?”

* * *

_You gasped against his skin as he thrusted into you slowly. Your legs wrapped tightly around his waist and your back was pressed into his bed sheets, each thrust making you kiss him to keep quiet._

_“Is this what you wanted, babe?” He hummed quietly into your ear, his arms flexing next to your head where he balanced himself. You started to thrust your own hips up, the sounds of him sliding in and out of your wetness filling the room._

_“Chan, I’m close.” You whined, holding onto him tighter._

_“Hold on just a little longer.” He whispered, picking up the speed of his thrusts a little bit. “You’re so good for me,” He leaned down to leave kisses on your neck. “You take me so well.” His words made your body shiver and you couldn’t hold on anymore._

_A loud moan left your lips as you tightened around him -_

* * *

“Hello?” Chanyeol’s voice startled you from your memory.

“I’m sorry, what?” You cursed yourself mentally for the shakiness of your voice.

“I asked you why you’re leaving school.”

“Because I just can’t do it today.” You shrugged. “I can’t stand being in the same room as Minji.”

“Alright, alright.” Chanyeol sighed. “I’ll be there in five.”

When Chanyeol picked you up, he helped you start your car before he drove home behind you. You arrived in the door and already shrugged your backpack off your shoulders and let it fall on the floor.

You were beyond frustrated in more ways than one (thanks to your random memory) and you just wanted to take a nap. Sleep still wasn’t coming easily to you and the only way you’d be able to sleep, you knew, was if Chanyeol was sleeping next to you.

You felt his arms wrap around you and as soon as you turned around to face his chest, you started crying. You gripped onto the fabric of his shirt and he ran his fingers through your hair as he became your shoulder to cry on.

“Talk to me.” He mumbled quietly. “Just because we’re not…that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me. I worry for you.” You sniffled as you attempted to calm down but the sobs that wracked your body weren’t going away anytime soon.

“Chan,” You moved closer to him, allowing his much larger body to envelope yours. “I’m so tired.”

“Then let’s go take a nap, yeah?” He smiled softly. “You know…I don’t hate you, right?”

His words stunned you as you looked at him.

“Sure, I want to be with you and that’s not going to change but…I know why you’re doing this. If anything, it makes me love you more. And there’s really no point in me saying this but, really, you don’t have to be any different around me. Above all, I’m here for you.” He explained. Your heart was beating too fast at this point. Chanyeol wasn’t giving up on you.

“Thank you.” You said, your voice quieter than normal. “Let’s…sleep.” Once the words left your lips, he smiled and began pulling you towards his room. It was easy for you to curl up to him.

His fingers began to play with your hair. It was the first time in a while your ache to love Chanyeol subsided. Right now, you had him, he had you. You had began to believe that this was how things were supposed to be; that you were meant to be with Chanyeol.

But then all you could do is laugh at yourself.

Who were you kidding?

Fate didn’t exist.

* * *

_“So that’s all she said? You’re not allowed around anymore because you’re a bad influence?” The words leaving your mouth made them even harder to process. Chanyeol had never influenced you poorly in your life._

_“Yeah…I’m not even supposed to be talking to you.” You heard the pause in his voice towards the end of his sentence. Why couldn’t he talk to you?_

_“That’s bullshit.” You whined. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” There was a small chuckle on the other end of the phone._

_“I’ll have to disagree with you on that one.” He probably hadn’t expected you to laugh at that._

_“Yeah right.” You scoffed. “Chan, you couldn’t hurt a fly.”_

_“I don’t think this is about hurting anyone.” He laughed softly. “You should get some rest, you have school tomorrow.”_

_“I want to talk to you.” You told him honestly. He was silent for a moment and you couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking._

_“You shouldn’t want to.” He said quietly. “She’s right. I’m no good for you.”_

_“But I do want to. And I’m going to annoy you until you answer.” You shrugged, playing with the bracelet on your wrist. “So it might just help you if you answer the first time.”_

_“You’re going to get me in so much trouble.” He said it jokingly but you couldn’t help but feel your heart flutter. He must’ve noticed your silence. “You okay?”_

_“Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” You smiled to yourself. “When can I see you?”_

_“You could ask your brother to go with him. He’s supposed to come over tomorrow.” His words suddenly made you remember your brother, that Chanyeol was your brother’s friend._

_“Shit, I completely forgot about him.” You groaned. “I don’t want to be around him more than I have to be.”_

_“You forgot about your brother?” You could hear the humor laced in his voice._

_“I see him everyday, I’m more concentrated on seeing you right now.” Maybe you made it obvious to him that you loved him, maybe you didn’t, but it didn’t matter. You knew nothing would come from it but that didn’t mean you would stop hanging around him._

_“Alright, how’s this,” He paused for a second. “I’ll pick you up after school tomorrow and I’ll cancel on your brother.”_

_“You’d really cancel on my brother for me?”_

_“I see him everyday.” He repeated your phrase and you chuckled quietly._

_“You’re something else.”_

_“I should be saying that to you.” He replied. “You should also be sleeping. It’s almost midnight. We’ve been talking for an hour and a half now.”_

_“I don’t want to sleep, I still want to talk to you. Resistance is futile.”_

_“So you’re telling me that even if I hang up you won’t go to sleep?” He asked softly._

_“Precisely.” You grinned. “So you may as well keep talking to me.”_

_“You never give up. Just like you never give me my things back, where is my red sweatshirt?”_

_“Yeah, you’re probably not gonna get that back.”_

_“This is what I get for being nice.” He tsked. “It’s okay. It doesn’t bother me. Just because it’s you.”_

* * *

When you woke up, Chanyeol was still beside you, despite the fact that he had probably been awake the whole time. You curled closer to him and hummed quietly, feeling his fingers curl into your shirt. You felt a slight pounding in your skull and you really wanted to do anything but get up.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked you, his voice soft.

“Mhm.” Was all you could muster, feeling your body only beginning to wake up. You looked up into his eyes and saw the familiar gleam in them. You loved the sparkle his eyes had. You’d never felt a greater urge to kiss him in all of your time with him. The way he looked at you made your heart pound. His sweet stare only added onto your want.

“You’re so cute when you wake up.” He smiled.

“Chanyeol,” You said quietly. He raised his eyebrow in response before you continued. “I love you. And I’m sorry for that.”

“No, don’t be sorry.” He said quickly. “I love you too, and I don’t want you to think that you’re hurting me by loving me.”

“But I am.” You shook your head. “I-I caused so much trouble for you and -”

“Sh,” He whispered. “I knew what I was getting into when we started this. I caused trouble for myself but…” He bit down on his lip. “But I don’t care. I love you and that’s all I know right now.”

“Chanyeol, I…” You trailed off before you couldn’t help yourself anymore. You pressed your lips against his and you felt him sigh against your lips. His fingers moved from gripping the fabric of your shirt to your hips, trailing his hands over you.

You almost began crying when he pulled away from you. You missed him so much but no matter what, the two of you together was a recipe for disaster. He attempted to steady his breathing, nudging you away from him slowly.

“I-I’m sorry.” He whispered breathily. “I can’t control myself around you.”

“It’s okay.” You told him, moving closer to him again. “It’s okay. You don’t have to.” After all, your body was still weak for his, as you suspected his was for yours. As soon as the words left your mouth, his hands were on your waist again and he kissed you. The pressure of his lips on yours was already enough for you to let out a short moan.

You thought his hands were shaking as he moved them along your body, and maybe that was the case as well, but it was _you_ trembling under his touch. You leaned your head forward against his shoulder taking in deep breaths.

“Everything’s okay.” He whispered. “I’ve got you now.” You felt yourself giving into him, letting him take things at his own pace as he kissed you again, slightly leaning his body over yours. You truly believed him. At that moment, you truly believed everything was okay.

Your shirt had ridden up, a strip of skin showing, His fingers danced across it, making the breath catch in your throat at the contrast of his warm hands and your cold body. You were hypersensitive to his touch at this point, you could only think about him.

“I trust you.” You told him. “I believe you.” You looked right into his eyes as you said the words. You watched a look of pain cross over his eyes. You had to take his pain away, but how could you do that? There was only one thing that came to your mind. You tangled your fingers in his hair and pulled him down to kiss you again.

Within the way he kissed you, it was like he was trying to prove something to you. He was trying to prove that you weren’t hurting him. You wanted him as much as he wanted you, both physically and emotionally. The two of you were too wrapped up in this relationship to give up now.

You reached your shaking fingers to the buttons on his shirt, attempting to pop the buttons open. He looked at you as he curled his fingers around your hand, sliding it up until it was over his heart. It was thumping in his chest so fast you were surprised that you hadn’t heard it beforehand.

“Relax.” He said quietly. “You know I’ll take care of you.” And you did know that. You knew it so well that you easily relaxed under him. He sat up on his knees to take his shirt off, almost making you whine at the coldness swarming your skin.

You pulled your own shirt over your head as he took his place above you again. His hands trailed all over your upper body, stopping above your bra to squeeze the cups gently. You moaned lowly and you explored his skin as well, realizing you never had the opportunity before and you’d probably never have it again.

You felt the flexed muscles in his arms feeling him stare at you as your eyes travelled all over him. He sat idly, allowing you to feel his skin under your fingertips. Your fingers dipped dangerously low, slightly pushing at the hem of his pants. A groan slipped past his lips when your hand retreated.

“Chanyeol…” You whispered to him. His attention was completely on you, waiting for you to speak. “I need you now.” He nodded, understanding the meaning of your statement was a lot more than it came off as. He pulled your pants down, taking your panties with them as he quickly discarded them across the room. As he work on unbuckling the belt keeping his pants up, you reached behind your back to unclasp your bra.

His hands froze on the button of his pants as he looked at you, scanning your body. You waited for him to continue, slightly becoming more nervous the longer he looked at you. When he looked back into your eyes, it sent him into action. He moaned and threw his head back as his hard member smacked against his stomach.

“Are you sure you want this?” The words barely left his lips before you were nodding at him. He took your lips with his own again, this kiss was passionate and slow as his tongue swept across your bottom lip. You allowed his tongue into your mouth, living for the way his bare body was pressing against yours.

You felt his tip at your entrance and you gasped into the kiss, desperate for him to slide inside you. You grabbed at his shoulders before moving your fingers up to his hair. You cried out and your body curled when he thrusted all the way into you with one movement. The feeling overwhelmed you. He stilled, nipping and biting at your neck to help you adjust to his size faster.

You moaned against his lips, attempted to prepare yourself for the mind blowing pleasure you knew he was going to give you. The air around you two was merely filled with his heavy breathing and your quiet moans. When he began to move your moans became louder, unable to hold back the sounds.

He moved slowly, proving to you again and again that he loved you. You began to move your own hips to meet his. He stared right into your eyes, the darkness in his making you shiver. He leaned down to kiss your neck, the wordless moment between you two speaking more words than you ever could.

He whined against your neck as he slid into your g-spot and you clenched hard around him. You pulled on his hair to keep yourself focused on helping him as well. You felt the coil in your stomach tightening and the sweat starting to form on your skin.

No words were spoken, his body continued to rock against yours and his hand trailed down to rub circles on your clit. Your body nearly spasmed against his as your orgasm hit you hard. You cried out and clung onto Chanyeol tightly.

He helped your ride out your orgasm and just as you felt him twitch inside you, he pulled out and finished on your stomach, he was gasping for breath as he nearly fell on you. He didn’t waste any time in grabbing the towel hanging from his closet and gently wiped his cum off of your skin. His hands gently explored your body as he cleaned your skin, making sure to clean up any mess that could’ve been made.

He sat on the edge of the bed, helping you as you tried to pull the covers over yourself. He ran his fingers through your hair before he walked over to his dresser. He slid a pair of sweatpants on. He walked back over to you, kissing your forehead softly.

“I’ll order something for lunch.” He hummed. “What do you want to eat?”

“I-I don’t mind.” You said quietly. He moved to get up but you grabbed his arm. “Stay here.” He nodded, grabbing his phone from the nightstand and climbing next to you again. You didn’t care what he chose to eat, as long as he stayed with you.You wanted to spend as much time as you could with him without actually putting him in danger.

You couldn’t help but fall asleep in his grip as he put his phone up to his ear.

* * *

_“You really told Minji?” Chanyeol sighed._

_“I’m sorry, I know you told me not to but I just…I don’t know, she’s my best friend and she could tell I was seeing someone -”_

_“What if she tells your brother? Or your mom?” His voice was only raising slightly but you felt your heart sink into your stomach. Chanyeol never did that. “Do you realize what I - damn it!” You clutched your phone in your hand, feeling your own anger grow as he raised his voice at you._

_“I needed her to cover for me when I came here! Do you think that my mom would enjoy the fact that I was coming here to spend the night?” You scoffed. You watched as he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair._

_“I-I knew this was a bad idea. I’m so fucking stupid.” He walked towards the other side of the room, an attempt to get further away from you. “Y-you have to go. You can’t stay here anymore.” Your heart shattered and your jaw dropped as you stared at him. The same man who had proclaimed he was in love with you and the same man who you’d given yourself to multiple times. This wasn’t Chanyeol speaking to you right now._

_You barely realized when the tears began to well in your eyes. You didn’t care if it was childish, you loved Chanyeol and the past six months with him had fortified that even more. You didn’t want to leave. Why did you have to leave?_

_“Chan, I don’t want to go.” You muttered quietly. “Y-you told me that you - how can you just be done suddenly?”_

_“You have to go. I’m breaking up with you.” His words made your heart shatter into pieces. You frowned at him for a few seconds before you turned away from him and attempted to wipe your tears away without him knowing._

_“You can’t just - not after everything I’ve given you -”_

_“Relationships don’t always work out just because you’ve gotten in each other’s pants, I’m sorry but we just can’t. We can’t anymore because you broke the only rule I gave you.” His words were blunt but you understood. This wasn’t the Chanyeol you were used to and you didn’t like this Chanyeol._

_“So that’s what it was to you?” You’d gotten significantly quieter and you couldn’t help but feel the lump in your throat intensify. You so easily believed that he loved you that you didn’t even take a moment to realize just how much you’d thrown yourself at him. You watched the anger fade from his face._

_“That’s - no, that’s not what I meant.” He walked towards you and grabbed your arm, but even your blurred eyes wouldn’t stop you from pulling yourself away from his grip. He reached for you again. “You know I didn’t mean it like that -”_

_“Don’t fucking touch me.” You turned away from him and opened the door before slamming it behind you, not bothering to check if he was following you. You heard the sound of a dial tone, like when someone hung up on you and your blood ran cold. You looked down and saw your brother’s name on the screen. You cursed under your breath and you quickly unlocked your phone to see how long the call lasted. Seven and a half minutes. He’d heard every single word you and Chanyeol said._

_It was safe to say the two of you were royally fucked. Chanyeol more so than you._

_You were about to turn the corner and go to your car, but you nearly screamed as you ran right into your brother. You’d never seen him so angry and you knew exactly where he was heading. No matter how mad you were at Chanyeol, you weren’t going to let your brother hurt him._

_“Jinhwa, wait -”_

_“Why the fuck are you defending him?” He shoved your hand off his arm. “He just told you he used you and you’re defending him?”_

_“Please, let’s just go home.” You practically begged him. “You can be mad at me, but don’t be mad at him -”_

_“Don’t be mad at him? For fucking my little sister?” The words made you cringe, because that wasn’t what you and Chanyeol did. Chanyeol loved you._

_“Jinhwa, please, it’s over. It’s okay, it’s all over. Let’s just go home. Please.” The tears streamed steadily down your face as you tried to stop your brother from wreaking havoc in both yours and Chanyeol’s lives._

_“It’s not okay!” He yelled at you. “Don’t you see what’s going on here? He’s supposed to be my best friend and - I should’ve known he liked you too much. I should’ve fucking noticed.” He started walking towards Chanyeol’s door again and you pulled on his arm, but it was no use. He was stronger than you._

_He made it to Chanyeol’s door even when you pulled him away from it. He slammed it open and you cried out, trying to keep your brother away from Chanyeol. Jinhwa was pissed off. He hadn’t ever been that mad in his life, at least while you were around._

_Chanyeol looked up and stood from the couch at the sight of your brother, his jaw dropping. You struggled to keep your brother back and eventually he just pushed you off of him, making you land against the floor with a thud. You cursed loudly and you watched as Chanyeol’s demeanor changed._

_“How long?” Jinhwa asked Chanyeol, but he clearly didn’t get an answer fast enough. “How long?” His voice split through the air._

_“Six months.” Chanyeol couldn’t even look at your brother as it was clear he was refraining from trying to help you._

_“Six mon- six fucking months.” Jinhwa cursed under his breath and walked away from Chanyeol, running his fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down. “You’ve been fucking my sister for six months?” You stood up and you waited for Chanyeol’s answer._

_“Of course not.” Chanyeol scoffed. “The first time I even touched her was two weeks ago -” You heard the impact Jinhwa’s fist made with Chanyeol’s face before you saw it. You gasped loudly and pulled Jinhwa away from him._

_“Fuck,” Chanyeol’s fingers lifted to feel his bottom lip that had been split, accidentally spreading the blood with his fingertips. “Are you fucking insane?”_

_“Don’t ever fucking talk to her again.” He began pulling you towards the door, no matter how much you fought against him. Chanyeol stepped forward._

_“Jinhwa, you have to calm down!”_


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to hold you like this all the time.”

You shot up in Chanyeol’s bed, a choked sob already leaving your mouth. Chanyeol was immediately next to you, almost like he was there when you woke up. You struggled to breathe and calm down this time, even when he wrapped his arms around you.

You held onto him tightly, realizing just how much all of this was truly your fault. He rocked you back and forth slowly. You noticed the fabric of his t-shirt around you. You didn’t know how long you’d been asleep but it had been long enough for him to deem that you needed clothes.

“Baby, I need you to talk to me.” He whispered calmly, kissing the top of your head. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, I’ll always be right here.” His words crushed your heart even more and you gripped so tightly on his arms you were sure you would’ve drawn blood at that point. Despite that, he didn’t care. He took all of the pain. He took it all for you.

“Chanyeol, we had it all wrong.” You gasped, your lungs begging for air at this point. “It wasn’t Minji who told Jinhwa.”

“That’s okay, don’t think about that right now, focus on calming down. It’ll be okay.” It wasn’t okay and you knew he knew that. The thing was, he didn’t think you remembered the night he tried to make you leave. _He had tried to make you leave._

“Leave me alone.” You pushed him away and you saw the evident shock on his face as he looked at you.

“L-leave you alone?” He frowned. “What are you talking about, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” You said coldly. You went to walk away and he quickly stood and grabbed your wrist, recoiling as you flinched.

“What’s wrong? Please don’t shut me out like this. I can’t handle it again, please.” With each word passing his lips, your heart broke into even smaller pieces.

“Y-you broke up with me.” You hadn’t expected your voice to be as pathetic as it sounded. You saw the pained expression on Chanyeol’s face. It was clearly still a sensitive topic for him.

“Listen, I know that was so wrong but I was terrified.” He was nearly begging at this point. “I was so terrified of losing not only your brother but you and if w-we continued I would’ve lost both of you and I…there’s no excuse, I know that, and I know I said shitty things but I never stopped loving you, if that’s what you think.”

“Minji didn’t tell Jinhwa.” You told him, clenching your jaw as your felt tears prick at your eyes. “I did. I fucking told him.”

“H-how did you - why?”

“I didn’t mean to. That night, when you said all those things, I accidentally called him. You said those things to me and he heard each word you said. And I still tried to stop him.” You watched as Chanyeol clenched his eyes closed, his hand releasing your wrist as he buried his face in his palms. You swung his door open and he moved towards you.

“Please don’t be mad at me, I really can’t handle it.” The genuine pain in his voice nearly made you stop, but you had to hold your ground. Just because you loved Chanyeol did not mean he was allowed to take things back within a second.

You retreated out of his door and into your room, changing into your own clothes and curling under the covers of your bed. You heard the rain pattering against the window outside and you watched as the drops ran down the glass.

* * *

_You hated thunderstorms until Chanyeol explained to you the beauty of them. It was one of the many nights you stayed at Chanyeol’s, the two of you were curled up in his bed and he held you close to him as you shivered in fear from the sounds of thunder outside._

_“Don’t be scared.” He whispered into your ear, oddly making you feel comfortable. “You don’t have to be scared of anything when you have me.” You curled closer to him and you felt his grip on you tighten. You were glad you had Chanyeol tonight._

_“I’m sorry.” You replied to him. “I just hate thunderstorms.”_

_“Then let’s play a game to make you love them, okay?” He smiled at you and your heart warmed. You nodded, waiting for him to explain. He loosened his grip on you to look at you. “So every time there’s thunder, I’m going to kiss you, that way when you think of thunder you’ll think of me.” A wide smile spread across your lips and you almost squealed when a loud cracking sound filled the air around you._

_Sticking to his promise, he gave you a soft peck that only left you wanting an actual kiss. He refused to kiss you when it was just the howling wind outside, his soft lips only connected with yours when the sounds intensified._

_After a particularly loud sound, you shrunk into his chest but felt him lift your face to look at him. He gave you a kiss, making this one longer as you ran your fingers through his hair._

_“See? Thunderstorms aren’t that bad.” He gave you a big smile. “And now I have more of a reason to kiss you all the time.”_

* * *

No, you were no longer scared of the thunder, but your fears peaked back inside you when you realized that this time, you couldn’t kiss Chanyeol. You were supposed to be mad at him. You felt wetness on your cheek as a tear rolled down your face slowly.

You leaned against your pillow, flinching every time the loud sounds invaded your ears. You tried to remember how his lips felt against yours, but it only made more wetness fall down your cheeks. You could still have him. He was waiting for you, probably terrified that he hurt you and that you wouldn’t go back to him.

He had hurt you, except he’d hurt the _past_ you. You no longer knew that girl and you weren’t that girl; you would never be her again. Yet for some reason, you couldn’t help but feel horrible that you weren’t the same girl he fell in love with.

Your tears fell in time with the raindrops hitting the window.

The knock on your door almost blended in with how deafening the small drops of rain were to you. You sniffled quietly and wiped away your tears, telling him to come in. Chanyeol’s silhouette was outlined by each flash of lightning.

“I can’t be away from you.” He whispered quietly. “I tried sleeping and I can’t. I tried stress eating and I can’t even do that, do you know what you’re doing to me?” You couldn’t even form a response to him as you looked at him. How could you respond to something like that?

It was silent as you looked at him, neither of you moved and the air was thick. You wanted nothing more than for him to come closer to you but you knew he wouldn’t without you asking. He’d always been like that, no matter how many times you told him he didn’t have to be. Sometimes you needed him to do what _he_ wanted.

You expected him to turn around and leave.

You expected him to give up and think you didn’t want him anymore.

“You keep telling me to do what I want.” He told you, his voice slicing through the silence. “So I’m going to do what I want.” He walked towards you and the breath caught in your throat when you felt him lift you from your bed and wrap his arms around you. You tensed in his arms but it didn’t take you long to wrap your arms around him as well.

You didn’t protest as he cupped your cheeks with his hands and kissed you softly, just as a loud cracking sound came from outside. You flinched in his grip and he pressed himself close to you. His tongue swept across your bottom lip and you instinctively opened your mouth.

“I’m going to do what I want.” He repeated, his fingers making your skin tingle. Finally, he took your silence and breathing pattern as your consent. His hands left your face and travelled down to your hips allowing you to lean against him more than you usually would.

He started walking backwards and you gladly followed him, even as he sat on the edge of your bed. You straddled his lap and tangled your fingers in his hair before pressing your lips against his again. The rain and the thunder sounding in the background was fading to you, all you knew was Chanyeol.

“You don’t have to say anything.” He told you, his voice rough as he attempted to regain his breath. “But I love you. And I want you to know that I didn’t mean the things I said.” His lips barely fluttered against yours after his words, his breath tickling your skin.

So you didn’t say anything. You let him lean in and kiss you once again, enjoying this side of Chanyeol. His head dipped down to your neck and you took a sharp intake of breath when his teeth grazed your skin. Was this really what Chanyeol wanted? It had to be. He said it himself. He was doing what _he_ wanted.

“Every time,” He kissed your neck softly. “I touch you, my heart hurts.” His breath stuttered against your skin. “Every time you tell me you that you love me, it makes me want to shield you even more.” His words were simple and he watched as you took your shirt off, feeling the exposed skin with his hands immediately. He made eye contact with you for a few seconds before once again leaning down.

Instead of your neck, his lips and tongue travelled across your breasts. His lips wrapped around your nipple, a short moan leaving your mouth at the sensation. You wanted more. You began to grind your hips against his in an attempt to make him move faster.

The bulge beneath you pressed into you through his pants and your shorts. The more you slid against him, the firmer it grew below you. A small whine escaped your mouth when his lips left your body.

He lifted his shirt from his body and he gave you a look.

“No.” You said softly, seeing the confusion spread across his face. “This is what you want. Don’t ask me.” He nodded timidly before connecting your lips together. You loved how your skin against his felt. One of his hands reached down to his own pants as he struggled to keep his attention divided on both you and the effort of taking his clothes off.

You rose to your knees and helped him pull his pants down, easily taking his boxers with them. Your breath quickened as you heard him groan in pleasure of being released from his confines. You wrapped your fingers around him.

You moved your hand slowly, living for the moan that would fall from his mouth when you gently squeezed him tighter. His body was at your disposal. _You_ were doing this to him. The thought made you tingle with excitement.

“Stop,” He commanded, making you take your hand away from him. You looked up at him and he pulled you close to him again. “I need you right now. I need to be inside you.” You nodded, more wetness seeping from your core as he slid your shorts down slowly. He needed you. The words echoed in your head and for some reason, it made your heart race.

After the two of you struggled to get your shorts and panties off, you were completely ready for him. You realized that he had no intentions of switching the position, but you didn’t mind. Chanyeol had always been very uniform in the way he did things.

You hovered over him, looking into his eyes. He was staring right back at you, his hands like steel on your hips as you felt him line up with your entrance.

“This is me not controlling myself around you.” He waited for you to process his words and once he deemed you had long enough, he pulled you down onto him roughly. You cried out loudly, the swarm of pleasure taking you over as you fell against his chest.

He let your breathing calm down for a moment as you adjust to him. He kissed around your face softly, helping you relax around him. Chanyeol wasn’t controlling himself and that made you realize how much you’d needed this.

You lifted yourself up, watching Chanyeol’s eyes flutter closed as you slid back down onto him. The way he stretched you out was making it hard for you to stay quiet. You wanted him to show you who he truly was tonight, the thunder and rain no longer a nuisance to you.

“Fuck,” He whimpered, throwing his head back as you continued moving on him. “You’re so tight.” Chanyeol had hinted plenty of times that he liked dirty talk and he rarely made even the smallest use of it. The idea of it made you nervous, you didn’t want to mess up.

“Chan, please.” You moved your hips a bit faster, wishing he would understand. “Make me cum on your cock.” He took a sharp intake of breath as his eyes flew open, his hands tightening on your hips as he processed your words. You expected him to close off again, the conflict clear in his eyes. When he spoke, it surprised you.

“Princess, I’m gonna do a lot more than that.” His hands pulled you down fast before pulling you back up almost immediately after. He thrusted his hips up each time he pulled you down, sliding into your g-spot with every thrust. You moaned each time, nearly screaming your pleasure as you dug your nails into his shoulders.

The coil began to form in your stomach and he must’ve been able to tell by the way your walls tightened and how your moans increased in both volume and amount. With one more solid thrust, he had you coming undone around him hard.

He flipped you over onto your back without leaving you, thrusting a couple more times to ride out your orgasm before he pulled out, cum already spurting from his tip. It was evident that the sheets took most of the white liquid, but some had landed on you.

He cleaned it off of you silently as you regained your breath, completely unable to comprehend what just happened. He climbed into the bed next to you, bringing the cover of you before he pulled you close to him.

You flinched when a particularly loud sound came from outside and Chanyeol kissed you. You melted into his touch and into his kiss. You always believed that it would be awkward to just lay there with Chanyeol after sex, after all, both of you were bare and pressing against each other, but that was a part of love, wasn’t it?

 _Love_ didn’t mean sex. Love was the beautiful feeling of being able to be yourself around someone and enjoy their company. Being like this together simply was another barrier of secrets the two of you had passed.

Now, despite your previous worries, you loved these moments with Chanyeol. Oddly enough, you felt safe. Chanyeol’s eyes looked right into yours, as if he was scared to lose you. His grip on you was tight and you knew he never wanted to let go. You needed to stop doubting his love for you.

His fingers connected softly with your cheek as his gaze filled with adoration. You couldn’t believe how completely you’d fallen for him. You saw a small smile grace his lips as he leaned in to kiss you once more.

“I love you.” He hummed softly against your lips. “I want -

* * *

_“ - to hold you like this all the time.” Chanyeol’s arms were around you, the soft music playing through his apartment as he danced with you. Today was your homecoming dance, and you didn’t want to go. Four months into your relationship with Chanyeol and you didn’t want to do those kind of things without him._

_So no, you weren’t at homecoming, but Chanyeol had somehow brought it to you. You opted for a pair of leggings and a simple t-shirt, ditching the dress and the heels a long time ago. Chanyeol was wearing a pair of jeans and a blue flannel._

_He twirled you around, leaving both of you in a mess of giggles and messed up foot placements. As soon as you were pressed against him again, you looked up at him with a smile._

_“Then do it.” Was all you had to say. The music around the two of you carried on yet you felt like time froze as you watched Chanyeol. The small smile on his face as he looked at you made your heart swell._

_“I think I just might.” He responded, leaning forward and kissing you softly._

* * *

“ - to hold you like this all the time.” The words rang so familiarly in your head as you smiled against his lips before saying the only words that seemed right.

“Then do it.”


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to hold you like this all the time.”

On Monday when you arrived back home, you dropped your bag on the floor before you frowned, seeing decorations littering the apartment. Your heart swelled when you read the banners that said happy birthday. You were seventeen today and he remembered it.

He must’ve heard the door open because he poked his head around the entrance to the kitchen, a wide smile on his face. You were so overwhelmed with a feeling that you couldn’t explain, it was just birthday decorations yet it felt so important to you.

“You’re home! Aren’t you early?” He pouted. “I’m making a cake, or I’m trying to - wait, are you crying?” You just couldn’t help it. You were overwhelmed with happiness and sure, it was just Chanyeol, but _just_ Chanyeol was just about everything you needed. He quickly walked over to you, making you giggle at the red apron tied around his waist.

You nearly fell into his arms. He tightened his grip around you. He looked into your eyes, his own filled with worry.

“I didn’t think you’d be upset. I can take it down, I shouldn’t have done it like -”

“Like my mother always did.” You smiled at him. “I’m not sad, Chan, it’s okay. I’m just overwhelmed.” The worried look on his face was replaced with a small smile as he leaned down and kissed you softly. He wiped away your tears before kissing you again.

“Chanyeol I didn’t know you could be so cute.” A voice tsked behind the two of you. You knew it wasn’t Baekhyun, and you definitely knew who it was. You saw Chanyeol’s face drop and you knew. You turned to look at who it was, staring into the surprisingly soft eyes of Kim Junmyeon.

You were going to move away from Chanyeol, but he tightened his grip on your arms and didn’t let you move. You avoided eye contact with Junmyeon. Both you and Chanyeol were incredibly tense. You were ready to defend Chanyeol no matter what it took.

“I heard we were having a party today and I figured it’d be a good time to reunite everyone.” Junmyeon slid his hands into his coat pocket. “Don’t worry, I’m not here to ruin your birthday.” He was talking to you? You squeezed tighter onto Chanyeol’s hand, as if you were asking him what was happening.

“Jun…I -”

“Save it.” Junmyeon held one of his hands up. “I learned a while ago that it’s not my life. I have no room to judge you and if you’re both happy and serious, it’s something all of us are going to have to deal with. We’ve all already lost Jinhwa, we don’t want to lose you too.” You stepped away from Chanyeol and you watched as Junmyeon hugged your boyfriend, the both of them finally realizing how much the two of them needed each other.

You smiled as you watched them, seeing the other boys walk through the door. Baekhyun, Minseok, and Jongdae all joined into a group hug, making you tear up at the sight. You missed this. You missed the friendship these boys had because it proved how unbreakable things really could be.

When the oven beeped you offered to go get it but all five of the boys shouted no and they shoved Chanyeol to go get it. You hadn’t seen him so happy in such a long time, it was refreshing and made your heart feel warm.

After a while, the hype began to calm down. All of you sat on the couch, plates with slices of cake on them while you watched a movie. It felt weird for you to be cuddling close to Chanyeol with all of them here, but it was nice. You didn’t have to hide anymore, at least not from the people that had been pretty much considered family.

You looked up and smiled at Chanyeol. He returned it, leaning down to kiss you softly. You melted into his kiss and felt your stomach flip multiple times. You loved this. You loved loving Chanyeol, if that made sense.

“Okay, but we have a lot of questions.” Junmyeon suddenly turned around, looking at the two of you. “They won’t be mean but can we just…get some information please?” You glanced nervously at Chanyeol, who shrugged, clearly nervous at the kind of questions the other boys would ask.

So that’s how you all ended up in a circle on the floor, you still laying your head against Chanyeol’s shoulder. He was sitting down with his legs crossed, eventually pulling you onto his lap despite your embarrassment.

“You choose who starts.” Junmyeon nodded. “This feels like we’re in high school again.” He chuckled quietly. The group laughed as well, before all looking at you in realization. You blushed and looked anywhere but the four pairs of eyes on you.

“Minseok’s pretty harmless.” I suggested to Chanyeol. He seemed as if he was contemplating it before nodding.

“When did the two of you start dating?”

“Five months after her sixteenth birthday.” Chanyeol said, surprising you as you looked back at him with wide eyes. You barely had a chance to think. You saw the small smiles on each of the boys’ faces.

“My turn.” Baekhyun nearly jumped into the air. “When did you guys have sex for the first time?” Your eyes widened and Chanyeol must’ve felt you tense next to him. This was the dangerous part; could you really trust them with the truth?

“We’re not answering that question.” Chanyeol replied.

“Oh, c’mon, we’re curious, you said you’d answer.” Baekhyun pouted. You felt your heart rise to your throat and Chanyeol could tell that it was making you uncomfortable.

“Shut up, it’s Jongdae’s turn.” Chanyeol growled, watching Baekhyun’s mouth snap shut. Chanyeol’s fingers rubbed circles on your hips soothingly.

“I-I’m kind of curious too.” Jongdae shrugged. You glanced around the guilty looking circle of boys.

“C’mon,” Baekhyun nudged Chanyeol’s arm. “Tell us when you fucked.” The words sunk in. Was that what sex was to them? You never moved so fast before; you jumped from Chanyeol’s lap and as your heart pounded in your chest, you entered your room.

You heard Chanyeol scolding Baekhyun and Jongdae before getting up to follow you. He opened the door and you sat on your bed. He closed the door gently behind him. He walked to you and put his hands on your shoulders.

“Are you alright?” He asked softly, cupping your cheeks with his hands.

“Yeah, I’m good.” You gave him a small smile. “That was just…a lot. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t think you guys thought like that.” He could see right through you and you knew that. He moved to kiss you but you turned away from him.

“Don’t do that.” He whispered. “Please don’t do that.”

“Is that what they think of me, though?” You scrunched up your nose. “Do I look like I would -”

“It’s not their perception of you, it’s their perception of me. I wasn’t always…the best guy, okay? It’s them doubting that we’ve gone without having sex because of me and my past.” He attempted to explain. Maybe you hadn’t ever even considered how many people Chanyeol had dated before you. The thought sent a pang through your heart, but you wouldn’t let him know that.

“How many people did you date before me, Chanyeol?” You asked, unable to raise your voice above a whisper.

“Three.” He replied simply. That wasn’t a very large number. Why would they expect that of him with such a low number?

“But then why -”

“I…wasn’t talking about dating.” He cleared his throat awkwardly and turned away from you. It was slowly hitting you what he meant. Was it possible that Chanyeol had slept with more people than he let on?

“How many people have you had sex with?” You couldn’t help the sharp tone of your voice and you knew it was bad when he sighed.

“I don’t know.” He said.

“Bullshit. How many?” Did you even have a right to be angry?

“I-I really don’t know.” He shook his head. “I lost count.” Your jaw dropped and you stood up to get away from him but he grabbed your arm. “Please don’t, it was a long time ago, we shouldn’t -”

“Do you have any idea what that makes me think?” Your voice was raising and you didn’t mean it, but you couldn’t help it. “Why wouldn’t you tell me something like that?”

“Because you never _asked_!” You rarely heard Chanyeol yell, but you were sure the boys outside heard it just as well as you had.

“Why the hell would I _ask_?” You shot back. “I’m sorry I expected you to be a good guy!” You shouldn’t have said that.

“Oh for fucks sake,” He scoffed, turning away from you. “Did you really just fucking say that to me? I’ve been nothing but good to you -”

“How do I know that I’m not like them?” For some reason, both of you were delivering blow after blow, not caring about the damage you’d have to deal with later. You didn’t like this side of Chanyeol but maybe…maybe you brought that out in him.

“You’re acting like a _child_ -” He cut himself off and his eyes widened. You heard sharp intakes of breath behind the door - of course his friends were listening. This was it; on your birthday, you would get mad at your much older boyfriend for having a lot of sex before you got together. You felt horrible but his words stung worse than a slap in the face.

You sat there, unable to form any words as your mouth hung open. The one thing you believed Chanyeol would never use against you. You took a deep, shaky breath as you made your way towards the door.

He grabbed your arm and pulled you back to him, making you flinch as he brought you close to his body. No matter what, now that you knew the truth, it made you feel dirty being close to Chanyeol. You loved him, you used sex to prove to him that you loved him, but that’s not what sex was to him.

You didn’t have any time to protest before he leaned down and pressed his lips harshly against yours. You gasped in response, too in shock to understand what was going on at the moment. When you came to your senses, you pushed at his chest to get him away from you. He didn’t quite get the message, still trying to kiss you, to convince you that he didn’t mean it.

“No,” You told him quietly, waiting for him to stop. He was still so close to you. “ _No_.” You said louder, pushing him away again. He stumbled backwards in shock, not sure where your spurt of strength came from.

“You know I didn’t mean it -”

“You _never_ mean it, Chanyeol!” You yelled. “You can’t just take things back by saying you don’t mean them. That’s not how it works.” You pushed past him and walked out of the door, being confronted by the other boys who were looking at you. Their eyes were full of worry and you felt overwhelmed as you shoved past them as well.

You didn’t even bother putting your shoes on. You just picked them up and grabbed your keys and raced out of the door. You knew Chanyeol would be quick to follow you out so you wasted no time. You wiped the tears from your eyes as you decided to go down the stairs rather than waiting for the elevator.

You almost made it to your car when you heard his voice. You hadn’t known it was raining outside but it was coming down hard, and if you didn’t get in your car soon, you’d be soaked. You looked at him, happy that the rain would mask your tears.

“Please don’t leave.” He got closer to you. “I get it, I fucked up and I was horrible in the past, but that’s not me anymore. That was my past but it’s not my future. _You’re_ my future.”

“Chanyeol -”

“No, I’m not done.” He held his hand up, rubbing the rainwater from his eyes. “I understand that numbers are important to you and that maybe I wasn’t a good person before, but…”

You didn’t even mind as your clothes began to stick to your body uncomfortably.

“But I’m fucking in love with you.” He nearly shouted it. “I’m tired, so fucking tired, of hiding how I feel about you from people when I just want to hold your hand and kiss you all the time. Sure, I used people before, but never, _never_ would I use you. You…you’re it for me. You’re all I want. I know I can’t take back what I said, but I can try to make it up to you because God _damn it,_ I love you and I’m going to marry you one day.” Your heart was melting as you looked at him. You bit down on your bottom lip as you felt your salty tears mix with raindrops that fell steadily from the sky.

“I love you too, you big dummy.”

“And married or not, from this moment on I promise that I’m going to be honest with you. I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you like I did today, I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I will promise you that you’re all I want. I love you so much that the thought of me hurting you kills me inside.”

And you cried. You didn’t know what within Chanyeol’s words made you cry, but you could tell he was sincere, and he was yours.

“Now, are you going to kiss me or not?” You asked, seeing hope flare in Chanyeol’s eyes. He wasted no time in closing the space between you two, pressing his lips against yours. You were so weak when it came to him but you didn’t even care.

“I’m going to kiss you alright.” He grinned. “I’m going to bring you back upstairs and we’re going to eat more cake and you’re going to open the present I got you and after the boys leave we’ll make a pillow fort.” You smacked his arm, your jaw dropping.

“Seriously?” You gaped. “A pillow fort?” You were more excited that you should’ve been. The two of you started laughing before you once again connected your lips together. Your heart melted for Chanyeol once again and you felt your anger fade. Besides, you didn’t think you had much of a reason to be angry. Maybe you were just jealous.

You took in the sight of Chanyeol, standing in the rain with his hair stuck down onto his forehead. He followed you out here. Even in the pouring rain, he would follow you. You almost began to cry again before you pulled him down for another kiss. It was soft and sweet and his fingers traced over your face.

“Just one more year.” He whispered. “One more year until I can tell the world you’re mine.” You gave him a small nod and allowed him to lead you towards the door of the apartment building. You both opted for the elevator and Chanyeol helped you wring out your hair. You got into the elevator and as soon as the doors closed, he kissed you again.

Your soaked clothing made the air around you cold, but Chanyeol’s arms were wrapped around you tightly. You made it back to the apartment and you saw the other boys halt their conversation as you walked through the door.

After you and Chanyeol went to change, you heard hushed whispers behind the door. Chanyeol kept a lot of your stuff in his room, considering that you spent your nights in there anyway. You grabbed some clothing and peeled your wet shirt over your head. Chanyeol was working on his own clothing.

You pulled your pants off, thankful to get the wet material off your skin. As you were about to reach behind your back for your bra clasp, you felt Chanyeol pressing himself against you. Your breath hitched and you leaned back against him.

“Let me.” He hummed quietly, his fingers easily finding the clasp of your bra. “Did you match on purpose today?” You shivered, unable to explain how easy it was for him to turn you on.

You didn’t answer, afraid that if you opened your mouth, you would moan because one of his hands was trailing down your stomach. He reached the hem of your panties and you bit down on your lip, leaning your head against his shoulder.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy.” He whispered lowly into your ear. His trailed his fingers over your nipples. “I just want to bend you over and f-” The knock at the door was what made you spring from Chanyeol’s grip. You blushed furiously, quickly putting on the dry bra and changing your panties. You pulled on a shirt of Chanyeol’s and a pair of shorts.

“Is everything alright, guys?” It was Minseok’s voice.

“Yeah, we’re just changing.” Chanyeol said surprisingly calm, considering he was sporting a small bulge in his boxers.

“Okay, we’re waiting.” Minseok reminded the two of you.

“You can finish what you started later.” You smirked at Chanyeol, squeezing his member through his boxers before exiting the room. You plopped down on the couch and you felt awkward around the boys without Chanyeol around.

“What’s taking him so long?” Baekhyun scrunched up his nose, looking at the still closed door of Chanyeol’s room.

“No idea.” You shrugged, attempting to hold back your smile. Chanyeol only took another five minutes before he came back out. He fell on the couch next to you and the boys all calmly finished the movie.

They left soon after, the immature shouts from Baekhyun telling us to ‘be safe’ while Junmyeon smacked him upside the head and herded him out of the door. The silence surrounding the apartment was nice as you laid against Chanyeol’s shoulder.

You felt his hand travel down to your thigh and you bit down on your lip, attempting to stay still as his hand moved closer to your core. He leaned close to your ear, nipping at it slightly before he whispered.

“It’s a shame that I’m going to have to punish you on your birthday.” His words alone almost made you moan. You could only begin to wonder what he had in store for you. You quickly moved so you were straddling his lap, kissing his neck and sucking on the skin.

He picked you up, effortlessly carrying you into his room before he dropped you on the bed. You were confused when he didn’t climb on top of you, leaving you aching for his body over yours.

“You have two options.” He growled lowly. “Touch yourself for me or I’m going to spank you.” Your jaw dropped. His gaze on you didn’t change. Was he really going to spank you?

“Chanyeol -”

“Strip. Let me see you pleasure yourself.” He commanded you. You nodded, beginning to undress yourself. You were left in your bra and panties now. He was working with the button on his pants.

He stopped once you stopped taking your clothes off.

“C’mon baby, I need you to be a good girl for me. Take all of it off. Sit against the headboard and spread those legs for me.” His voice was soft yet you knew he was in charge. You wanted to please him, and if this was how you were supposed to do it, you would.

You were now naked in front of him, placing your back against the headboard. You were too shy to say anything.

“Fuck, I can see how wet you are from here.” He rubbed himself over his boxers. “Go on. Touch yourself. Do what you would do if I wasn’t here to make you feel good.”

You nodded, anxious to feel some pressure on yourself. You slid your hand down slowly, beginning to rub your clit. A whine left your lips and you saw Chanyeol pushing his pants down.

“Just like that princess.” He approved of you. “Make sure those legs stay nice and spread…don’t look away from me.”

You struggled to keep looking at him as you continued to rub your clit, slowly increasing your speed. You waited for him to tell you to slide your fingers in, you didn’t want to upset him. Your breathing was uneven and you watched as Chanyeol pulled himself from his boxers and matched your pace as he slid his hand on his member. This made you feel so dirty but so good. You feasted on the sight of Chanyeol pleasuring himself.

“Alright, finger yourself babe.” He told you. “Feel how tight you are.” You moaned at his words before you slid a finger into yourself.

Your whole body was shaking, you attempted to hold back your moans at first but the sight of Chanyeol jerking himself off in front of you made that hard to do.

“C’mon, more.” He told you. “If you can take my cock, you can take more than one finger. Pretend it’s me touching you.”

You nodded slowly, adding another finger and picking up your pace, refraining from clenching your thighs together. You prefered his fingers a lot more than your own. You curled your fingers, chasing after your orgasm. You barely even noticed him climbing onto the bed and pulling your fingers out of you. You whined loudly, bucking your hips up.

“You’re so fucking sexy.” He growled lowly into your ear, sending a shiver down your spine. He pulled you up and he settled you so you were on all fours. You were enjoying it too much as his hands moved delicately over your ass. You body jolted forward as he smacked the skin hard. It hurt in a way that also made it feel good.

“Chanyeol, please.” You whined, burying your face into the mattress and sticking your ass out further to him.

“What is it, princess?” He hummed softly, making your body shake and press back against his as he ran his tip teasingly up and down your folds. You’d never seen this side of Chanyeol, but it was evident in the way your arousal dripped down your thighs that you liked it.

“Fuck me.” You couldn’t hold back your need anymore. “I need you to fuck me.” You knew he wasn’t done teasing yet, even when you felt the pressure against your entrance. He slid the tip inside you, stilling as you attempted to push back against him. He smacked your ass again, making you cry out.

“Don’t be greedy. You’ll get my cock when I give it to you.” He reminded you. You wondered how he had so much self control, just sitting there with his member barely inside you. Your body was tingling with pleasure as you found yourself wanting more of him.

“Chanyeol, _please_.” You cried out, attempting to back yourself onto him again.

He pulled himself away from you. “How much do you want my cock?”

“I need you, Chanyeol.” You whined, completely frustrated at this point. He moved your body, and you watched as he laid down on his back.

“If you want it, take it.” He gestured towards himself. He wanted you to ride him. You were dumbfounded for a second. Sure, you had topped a few days back, but you would hardly call that riding him. He did most of the work that night too. Right now, he was leaving it up to you to make both of you get off.

He could tell you were nervous because you were no longer apt to do what he asked. He lifted himself up again, pulling you close to him. He flipped you over so he was hovering over you, his kisses were significantly gentler.

“I’m sorry -”

“No.” He told you. “You don’t know how. It’s okay. I’ll teach you.” He flipped you over again, keeping his hand on your hips. He dug his fingertips into your skin and moved his hips to tease you.

“Chanyeol, I need you.” You whined. He pulled you down on him and a scream of pleasure left your lips. He let you adjust for a second.

“When you’re ready, just move.” His voice was shaky. Behind the exterior he’d had before, he was still caring for you. He waited for you to adjust and slowly started to grind his hips against yours. You looked at him and nodded, feeling him lift you slowly before pulling you back down.

You began to move on your own, the breathy moans falling from Chanyeol’s lips spurring you on. You’d gained enough confidence, you pushed him back against the bed. His eyes scanned your body as you moved on him.

“That’s my girl.” He groaned. “You look so sexy on top of me.” You moaned, picking up the speed of your hips. Chanyeol’s fingers gripped the bed sheets tightly, struggling to keep his eyes open instead of clenching them shut.

You leaned forward, running your hands along his body. He shivered under you touch, a whimper escaping his throat. You moved your hips faster, seeing his eyes travel along your body as you picked yourself up only to push back onto him.

He slid into your g-spot effortlessly like this, making you let out a long moan and your hips began to falter a little. Chanyeol must’ve realized that, sitting up and assisting you.

“I can take over, princess, you’ve been so fucking good for me.” He hummed breathily. You buried your head into his neck and nodded, whining when he pulled you off of him. “All fours again.” He released you and you listened quickly, turning yourself over and propping yourself up on your elbows and knees.

You felt his finger brush against your entrance as he spread your wetness.

“I’m gonna take good care of you.” He mumbled, smacking your ass gently. “You’re gonna feel so good.” You believed him. It never took you this long to cum when you were in bed with Chanyeol, it was obvious what he was doing. He wanted to make it last. His hands gripped your waist and he lined up with your entrance again.

You whole body shivered and before you knew it, he was buried deep inside you. You moaned loudly but you didn’t have any time to prepare for what he was going to do. He began to pound into you, hitting every spot inside of you as hard as he could. He hit your g-spot and your arms nearly gave out.

“Fuck, Chan.” You whined. “There. Right there.” You and Chanyeol had never made the headboard hit the wall before but this was _hot_. You felt his fingers reach around your leg and rub your clit harshly as he continued to hit your spot.

“Cum on me, princess.” He growled. Your orgasm had never hit you so hard. You screamed in pleasure, your arms finally giving out beneath you as Chanyeol helped you ride out your orgasm. He pulled out and you felt his cum on your back. You laid against the bed and felt him clean you off gently.

You groaned as you turned back around, feeling the bed dip next to you when Chanyeol came back. He turned you to face him, kissing you softly. You smiled into the kiss before reciprocating it. He pulled the blanket over the two of you and brushed your hair behind your ear.

“That wasn’t too much, was it?” He asked softly. “We don’t have to…do that again.”

“I liked it.” You told him. “Really, I did. I was just…surprised.”

“I can show you so much more.” He told you, letting his fingers trail over your face. “I could…show you the kinds of things I want to do with you.”

“I told you to do what you want, Chan.” You reminded him.

“I’m not going to do anything to you that you don’t want me to try. There’s things you might not like.” He responded.

“Chan…?”

“Yes, my love?” His soft brown eyes stared right into yours.

“Did you mean what you said earlier? About…the future?” Your voice sounded ridiculously small. He gave you a smile.

“Every word.”


	10. Final

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll always be with you, my love. Always.”

Eighteen. The number felt so nice to refer to yourself as. You were finally eighteen. You once again spent the day with Chanyeol, it was like every other birthday except the two of you went out for this one. You held hands and ran through the streets, nearly falling backwards when he stopped you to kiss you.

You giggled against his lips and grabbed his hand to pull him along with you. He followed you easily, as if it was a second nature to him. You blushed when you saw the old woman sitting on the bench.

She smiled at the two of you and you both bowed to her in respect before running off. When the two of you finally made it to your destination, he pulled you close to him and wrapped his arms around you, pressing your back flat against his chest. He kissed the top of your head before leaning down to your ear.

“Happy birthday, baby.” He whispered. You couldn’t help the big smile that spread across your face as you leaned against his shoulder. You pulled him with you as you ran into the building. You felt him intertwine his fingers with yours and you couldn’t help but feel all warm inside.

As soon as you walked in, the smell of chocolate flooded your senses. You squealed excitedly and Chanyeol smiled at you as you continued to look around. You and Chanyeol had planned to come to this store, which made anything to do with chocolate, since before the accident. The chance hadn’t come until now.

“Get whatever you want.” He rubbed your arms gently. “I’ll buy the whole store if you want.” You smiled widely, and you were sure this was the happiest day of your life. You and Chanyeol didn’t have to hide anymore. Almost two years with Chanyeol and you still couldn’t get enough of him.

“You’re insane.” You giggled. “I just want…that.” You pointed through the glass and looked back at him. The two of you being able to be in love in public was something so new to you that you just didn’t want it to end. You wanted people to know that you were Chanyeol’s and he was yours.

After he got you what you wanted, he told you he had one more surprise for you. You walked down the street together, hand in hand. You were honestly in love with being in love. You didn’t know why he brought you to the same park you practically grew up in, but it was nice to remember. You remembered all the times you and Chanyeol would come here within the past year, attempting to bring back your more simpler memories of him.

The two of you sat down on the same bench you both had proclaimed as your own. You leaned against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around yours, resting his head on top of yours. The sun was shining and your heart was beating fast, something about these moments made you happy. _You didn’t have to hide anymore._

“So…I have to talk to you about something important.” Chanyeol broke the silence after a couple minutes. “And I understand that you may not understand at first, but I’ll wait however long I have to.”

You turned to look at him, frowning in confusion.

“Shit, I don’t even know how to do this.” He laughed and blushed, patting his cheeks. “Well, there’s something I want to ask you, actually, and I know it’s really early and you just turned eighteen and you have every right to say no, but hear me out first, okay?”

You nodded slowly, giving him a reassuring smile.

“Do you remember last year? On your birthday we were outside in the rain and I just…wanted you to come back inside. I needed you and I never thought I would need you more in the future but…I do. I’m scared that if I move too slow with you that w-we might not get the chance. I told you that I was going to marry you and…” He trailed off for a second.

Your eyes widened as you looked at him, unable to tell if he was telling you that he was about to ask you to marry him. Your heart was fluttering at the thought of marrying him. You never thought it would become a topic of consideration so soon.

“Now I’m ready to follow through with that. I know you’re young and you have so much time left, but I need you to be mine. In every way, I want you, whether a piece of paper is important or not, I want it. I don’t care what anyone else says, it’s just you and I for the rest of our lives and I want to start that journey now. I’m so nervous right now, fuck.” He laughed at himself before reaching into his pocket. He held up a ring to you, a beautiful silver band with a diamond gracing the middle of it. “Say you’ll marry me.”

You were stunned, your gaze going from his hand to his eyes, feeling your own well with tears. Of course you wanted to marry Chanyeol, but the both of you were young and had a whole life’s worth of time ahead of you. Why did he want to get married so quickly?

“Chanyeol…” You didn’t know what to say. “I-I want to, don’t get me wrong, but isn’t that kind of -”

“It’s not too fast. We’ve been together for a while now and I want to marry you.” He nodded once to show his seriousness. “If you don’t want to, it’s okay, I’ll…ask again later in time.”

“Put the damn ring on my finger, you big dummy.” You saw the smile widen on his face and you grinned at the ring fitting so easily on your finger. You and Chanyeol walked around a bit more before you ended up back at the apartment.

As soon as the door closed behind you, both of you were giggling messes as he kissed you. You body practically arched into his as you tangled your fingers in his hair. You heard him gasp when you bit down gently on his bottom lip. His hands trailed down to your ass, squeezing it once and making you giggle against his lips again.

“We’re getting married.” You smiled, glad that this day had finally come for you and Chanyeol.

“You’re _what_?” Baekhyun’s voice made both of you jump apart from each other. You let out a squeal before relaxing, attempting to regain your breath after Baekhyun scared it away.

“I…asked her to marry me.” Chanyeol cleared his throat nervously.

“Chan…that’s not a good idea with…you can’t.” Baekhyun’s words made you frown, but you didn’t linger on it.

“You should go.” Chanyeol nodded towards the door. Baekhyun nodded, walking past Chanyeol. Chanyeol grabbed his arm, exchanging a look with him that made Baekhyun nod slowly. You were confused, but you let it slide. You were too happy to let those things linger for you.

Baekhyun left and Chanyeol turned back to you, rubbing your arms again.

“I believe we were interrupted.” He made you blush as you nodded, leaning forward to kiss him again. He started walking you backwards and you knew exactly where he was taking you. You were ready for the way he touched you so sweetly today.

Before you could process anything other than him, your back bounced off of the bed as he placed you down. You were still giggling against his lips and you couldn’t help but pull him to you. He hovered over you, kissing you passionately as his hand gripped your knee. You kissed him back, your giggling stopping once you realized how much you needed him.

“You’re so beautiful and you’re all mine.” He breathed before bringing his lips down to your neck. “I’ll make you feel good.” And you knew he would. He never failed to before. You nodded and bucked your hips into his, hearing a groan escape his lips.

His hands went to your shirt immediately, tugging it over your head as he eyed your body. He quickly lowered himself down again and kissed around what was exposed of your breasts. A small moan barely escaped your lips before he was unclasping your bra.

His lips wrapped around your nipple and you gasped loudly, arching yourself into his touch. His tongue flicked against it slowly, agonizingly slow as you ran your fingers through his hair. One of his hands slid down your body before he unbuttoned your jeans. He didn’t even bother to pull them down as he pushed his hand into your pants and rubbed your core as slow as his mouth was working on you.

“Chan, please.” You whimpered. “Touch me.”

“You’re so good for me, always begging me to make you feel good.” He hummed before pulling your jeans from your body. The air stung your bare skin and the goosebumps began to form on your skin. He looked from your core to your eyes a couple times before he moved your panties aside and pushed a finger into you.

You let out a high moan, feeling yourself react to him in the same way that you always did. “ _More._ ” You bucked your hips up again, nothing stopping you from wanting all that Chanyeol was going to give you.

“What else do you want? My tongue? More fingers?” He asked you, not moving his finger inside you. “I need you to tell me exactly what you want me to do to you.”

“Yes, fuck.” You groaned. “Your tongue, please.” He nodded, pulled your panties down quickly. He was centimeters away from your core now. He blew cold air on you and that made you bite down on your lip to stop yourself from crying out.

Before you could even beg more, his tongue was flat against you, tasting your juices as he slowly licked upward. Your fingers tangled in his hair and you hummed in pleasure, throwing your head back against the bed.

His lips wrapped around your clit and gave a harsh suck that made your back arch. You felt two of his fingers pressing against your entrance and you moaned just at the idea of them inside you. He flicked your clit with his tongue as he eased his fingers in.

“You’re so tight around my fingers.” He gasped. “You always take what I give you so well.” His fingers began to move, the urge of clenching your thighs together was beginning to become to much. You began to move your thighs together and Chanyeol growled, the sensation against your core making you cry out loudly. His other hand pushed your leg against the bed, the stretch in your muscles almost uncomfortable. It only added to your pleasure.

“So close.” You moaned out, feeling your walls tighten around his fingers that thrusted fast inside of you. His tongue matched the pace of his fingers and that’s what made you fall apart. You moaned loudly, pushing his face further into your core as you hit your orgasm.

“Fuck that was so hot.” He cursed, his mouth shining with your arousal as he sat up once again. He sucked his fingers into his mouth and your breath hitched at the sight. He pulled his shirt over his head, wasting no time after that to push his pants down.

You sat up and grabbed him through his boxers, making him grunt. You pushed his boxers down and wrapped your hand around his member, stroking him slowly.

“Chan…?” You looked into his eyes, seeing just how aroused he was.

“Yes?” He asked, his breathing weird with every stroke of your hand.

“Can I ride you again?” Your question must’ve set him off, because he was put into action after that. He laid flat against the bed, his cock hard and red as he pulled you over him. You straddled his waist, teasing yourself with the tip of his cock.

“You don’t ever have to ask to ride me, baby.” He told you firmly, folding his arms behind his head so he could prop himself up to watch you. You slid down on him soon after that, moans slipping from both of your mouths as you started to grind your hips against his. Like this, he could fully sheathe himself inside of you.

He looked where the two of your connected and bucked his hips up when he saw how deep he was buried inside you. You felt incredibly full and stretched, unable to think of anything other than the way Chanyeol felt in you.

“Fuck, you’re so tight. Baby, please.” It was his turn to beg for you and you were living for it. You started off bouncing slowly, barely raising your hips before sliding yourself back down. He gasped and bit down on his lip.

“Does it feel good?” You asked lowly, watching as Chanyeol’s expression changed and he clenched his eyes, his hands moving to grip the bed sheets. He bucked his hips up as his answer. He hit your g-spot and you cursed quietly before picking up the speed of your hips.

You wanted to get off now more than anything. Chanyeol watched where you sunk down on his cock, seeing your heat engulf him. You felt your orgasm begin to build up and it only encouraged you to move faster, making Chanyeol’s face contort into pleasure. You loved the effect you had on him.

You faltered a little as he hit your spot once more before you tightened around him and hit your high the hardest you had in a while. He sat up and wrapped his arms around you to help you steady yourself. He gripped your hips and moved you up and down a few more times before you felt him spill inside you.

Once you fell next to him, he wrapped his arms around you and kissed around your face before finally landing on your lips to give you a soft, sweet kiss.

“We’re getting married.”

* * *

Thankfully, both you and Chanyeol had similar tastes when it came to your wedding. You were more than excited to marry him and just talking about it made your heart swell. Chanyeol had been a bit more tired than usual lately and you figured that he was just tired from work.

He was so tired once you got home that night that you immediately dragged him into your shared bedroom and made him lay down. He reluctantly agreed as long as you sat with him and cuddled him. It was so hard for you to believe that this man was twenty-six years old. He hummed in content as he laid his head against your chest.

“(Y/N)?” He muttered quietly. Your fingers were running through his hair.

“Yes, Chan?” You replied, not stopping the movements of your fingers. He was silent for a second and if you could see his face you were sure that he was trying to muster up the courage to tell you something.

“I love you so much.” He told you. “I know I say it a lot but I’m going to love you for the rest of my life and I think it’s appropriate to say that I can’t wait to live our lives together. I can’t wait to actually have a family with you a-and be _happy_. We’ll be the happy family for our future children that we never had, right?” His words made you smile.

“Of course, babe.” You responded to him. “When did you want to have kids?” The idea scared you, considering you were still kind of a kid yourself. However, you knew that if you had Chanyeol by your side, you’d be fine.

“Well, obviously we’d wait a while. I’m sure you don’t want all that responsibility now, and besides we’ve…got time. Do you want kids?” You could tell just by his voice how tired he was. You nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I do.” You felt his arms squeeze you tightly. “I mean, I don’t know how many, or what gender I want but I definitely want that with you at one point.”

Chanyeol was silent for a moment. You almost thought he had fallen asleep, but he instead was thinking about his answer. You stopped playing with his hair as you awaited his answer, almost nervous at this point.

“Mm, I want…I want a little baby girl.” He informed you. “One that looks a lot like you and hopefully she won’t have my ears. I’ve got big ears.” His words made both of you laugh. He lifted his head from your chest and laid down next to you, looking at you as he did so.

“You want a girl?” You smiled at him.

“I want to have a lot of babies with you.” He said quickly. “Really, I do. I want to see what you’ll look like when you’re pregnant just because you’d be so cute. I want to see you holding our little baby girl in your arms one day - wouldn’t that be great? I-I want to be there for all of that.” His smile faltered and you knew something was wrong.

“Chan, we can have as many babies as you want, okay?” You reached up and touched his face, watching as his eyes fluttered closed at your skin touching his. “I’m more than excited to start this new part of life with you. We’re going to get married and have lots of little Chanyeols running around -”

“Little Chanyeols?” He scrunched up his nose. “They better look like you or that’s unfortunate.”

“Park Chanyeol, you stop that.” You smacked his arm gently. “We’re having little Chanyeols and you can’t do anything about it.”

* * *

It only took a couple of months before your wedding was actually going to take place. Chanyeol chose a summer month and you chose the day. You were so excited that day and it passed you in what seemed like a second. The two of you would be leaving for your honeymoon that night. It wasn’t exactly traditional, considering you’d be spending your wedding night on a plane, there would be no wedding night.

The wedding itself was beautiful. Chanyeol’s family was there, along with what was left of yours. You were more than excited to marry the man you loved. Your dress made you feel and look like a princess and you honestly enjoyed every second of it.

Within your seventeenth year, you and Minji had begun to talk again. You both realized the misunderstanding and everything was as it was before. You could still trust her and she was your best friend. She was also your maid of honor, helping you get your makeup ready as you stressed yourself out more than you should’ve.

The time for you to actually see Chanyeol was approaching quickly. You were waiting outside of the doors. Since neither your brother or your father were there to walk you down to Chanyeol, Junmyeon offered to do it. Considering he was like your brother, especially now, you were fine with that. The music played and Junmyeon laughed when you tensed.

You smacked his arm and attempted to force yourself to relax. The doors opened for you and you took a deep breath before Junmyeon literally had to pull you forward. Your eyes found Chanyeol immediately, completely drowning out anyone else in the room. You absolutely loved him.

His eyes did the same thing, focusing on you. You watched as his jaw dropped slightly, making your heart pound. You were sure that you would’ve fallen over if it hadn’t been for Junmyeon next to you. You reached him and he smiled widely at you. You were surprised to see his eyes welling with tears.

“Why are you crying?” You chuckled quietly even though you felt your own tears rising.

“Because you look so beautiful and you’re going to be my wife.” He told you. “Clearly, I’m a little emotional.” You reached up and wiped away the wetness under his eyes with your thumbs, giggling.

“Forever?” You tilted your head and smiled at him.

“Forever.”

* * *

He gripped your hand tightly as you sat next to each other on the plane. He allowed you to lean against him and although the plane ride wasn’t very long, you were able to sleep through most of it. As the plane was landing Chanyeol leaned closer to you.

“You’re my wife.” He whispered, smiling widely at you. You turned towards him and kissed him, wishing that these moments with him would be never ending.

When you arrived at your hotel, you barely had time to walk in the door before Chanyeol pulled you close to him. You smiled up at him, enjoying how his tight grip made you feel safe. You were with Chanyeol forever now, there was nothing that would come in between the two of you.

“We’ve been married for over twelve hours and I haven’t been able to feel you yet.” He hummed in disappointment. “Allow me to consummate my marriage to you.”

“You old timer.” You scolded him. “You’re in charge.” He kissed you hard, walking you backwards to the hotel bed.

“I’m gonna do this right. I’m gonna make love to you.” The words made your body shake. He’d barely gotten you through the door and he already aroused you. You didn’t care what he did, you just wanted him inside you.

You whined and lifted his shirt over his head.

“You’re so naughty.” He groaned. “You make me so fucking hard, fuck.” He pulled your shirt over your head before he pushed you on the bed, your back bouncing off a couple times. He was over you within a second, fingers tugging at your leggings.

“Slow down.” You scolded him. “You better be making up for making me miss my wedding night.” His eyes flicked up to yours before he pulled your leggings and panties down in one pull.

“Relax, sweetheart, I’m gonna make you feel good.” He dipped his head between your thighs, making you gasp when you felt his tongue lick a solid stripe up your core. Your hands immediately shot to tangle in his hair, grinding your hips up into his face.

“Chanyeol, you’re driving me crazy.” You tugged hard on his hair, feeling him grunt against your core. The vibrations sent a chill up your spine. Chanyeol was moving fast, not paying attention to detail like he should’ve been. This wasn’t like the wedding night you wanted, and despite the pleasure he was giving you, it didn’t feel right.

He sucked your clit into his mouth before sliding two of his long fingers into you. You couldn’t hold back your moans as he continued to pleasure you with his mouth. He moved his fingers, pumping them in and out of you at an impossibly fast speed. His tongue ran slowly over your clit, in contrast to his fingers. Your body was confused, you couldn’t decipher which one you enjoyed more.

He curled his fingers inside of you, hitting your g-spot with ease. You cried out and arched your back, tugging on his hair. With his pace it was taking no time at all for you to build. You whined loudly as he took his fingers away from you right before your orgasm hit you.

With the growing need between your legs, it was hard to push him away when he tried to kiss you. He was shocked, maybe even a little upset. You needed relief but you didn’t want it like that, not on a night that was supposed to be full of love. The two of you were, clearly, spending the rest of your lives together.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, his almost hungry-like behavior fading away as he saw how upset you were. His hands trailed against your sides. You heard him groan suddenly and you looked at him. He was in pain.

“Chan, what’s going on?” He sat up to touch his head. You pulled on him and he laid back against the hotel bed, his eyes clenched shut.

“Fuck, I’m okay.” He gasped out. “It just hurts, I’ll be fine.”

“What hurts?”

“Everything.” He replied. You had no choice. You got up and slid your panties back on before pulling your shirt over your head.

“I’m calling an ambulance -”

“ _No_.” He growled at you, making you nearly jump in shock.

“Chan, this isn’t normal, there’s something wrong, we’ve got to get you to a hospital -”

“I’m _fine_. Do you have any aspirin?” He hadn’t meant to snap at you - there was no way he did. This was so out of character for Chanyeol that you were actually terrified of what was going to happen to him. After you gave him some water and aspirin, he only took about ten minutes to recover.

He laid flat against the bed, his chest heaving as the pain faded from his body. You were absolutely terrified, you knew there was something wrong for pain to hit him suddenly like that.

“See, all good.” He whispered to you.

“Chanyeol, what the hell was that?”

“I don’t know.” The heaviness in his voice told you he was lying. “I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I just fucked that up.”

“No you didn’t.” You told him. “Your wellbeing is more important to me than any night. Are you tired? You should sleep.”

“I’m okay.” He hummed, pulling you to him once again. He moved so his body was over yours. “I should finish what I started.” He leaned down and took your lips softly with his own. You couldn’t deny that you wanted him, but you were terrified that he would get worse.

“Chan, -”

“Sh,” He whispered. “Everything’s okay. Let me take care of you.” You nearly melted into his touch after that. You couldn’t help yourself. Chanyeol was your favorite person; your lover, your best friend, and now, your husband. You were apt to do anything he wanted.

He quickly pulled the shirt you wore back over your head and unhooked your bra, sending it across the room. He did the same with your panties before he worked at his own pants. His fingers trembled and you’d never seen him like this before. Not even when he was nervous. He wasn’t okay, but you were going to do what he asked.

“I love you.” He whispered as he lined himself up with your entrance.

“I love you too.” You replied immediately, gasping when you felt him begin to slide into you. He rested inside of you, peppering kisses along your neck and jawline. You traced your fingers along his skin, attempting to get used to the way he stretched you out.

“You’re so beautiful.” He breathed against your skin. “You deserve the world.” A small moan left your lips as you felt his fingers intertwine with yours.

“And I have it.” You saw his soft smile before he began to thrust into you slowly. You wrapped your legs around his waist, hearing him moan quietly into your ear as he got deeper inside of you. He could now completely sheathe himself inside of you.

You lifted your hips to meet his, your previous frustration from not finishing before had caught up with you. You felt him slide right into your g-spot and without much of a warning, you were hitting your orgasm. The white euphoria took you over and your back arched. Your chest pressed against Chanyeol’s and you heard him give off a long, desperate moan as he spilled himself inside you.

He thrusted a few more times before pulling out. You could feel his cum slowly seep from your core. He sat up and rubbed your thighs gently, looking into your eyes lovingly.

“You truly are the best thing to ever happen to me.” He murmured, climbing onto the bed next to you. He pulled you close to him, kissing the top of your head. “I’ll never stop loving you.”

* * *

After that week together, the two of you were forced back into the real world. Chanyeol had become a lot more tired recently. He probably couldn’t tell but he’d lost weight as well. You were more than worried about him. Every time you asked he would blow you off and tell you he was fine. You learned that you’d have to find out on your own.

You arrived home that night from the job you’d gotten at a restaurant before the wedding and you had worked the late shift today. Chanyeol usually greeted you at the door. You were confused but once you heard the sounds of vomiting, you knew he was in the bathroom.

You rushed to him, setting your keys down. You sat next to him and you could see the pain in his eyes, why couldn’t he just tell you what was wrong? It broke your heart to see him like this. You were sure he had stopped eating as well.

“Why won’t you let me take you to the hospital?” You asked, rubbing his back through his shirt.

“It’s just the flu or something.” He was lying again. “I promise I’ll be okay, baby.”

“I’ve never seen you like this, Chan.” You told him. “Please stop lying to me.”

“I’m not lying.” His voice was soft. “I’m gonna shower. I’ll be out in a few.” You sighed and nodded, feeling more than let down that your husband didn’t trust you. You guys had barely been married a week and you thought that maybe he was regretting his decision. He was sick, you knew that much, but you wanted to know _how_ sick. You were terrified.

There was a loud vibrating sound against the coffee table. You didn’t know if you should answer it, it was a number that wasn’t saved. Chanyeol’s phone continued to ring and you finally decided to answer it. What could go wrong?

“Hello? Is this Mr. Park?” The voice belonged to a male.

“Uh, no, this is his wife.” It made you so happy to call yourself that, despite that it hadn’t been too long. “Who’s this?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Mrs. Park, this is Dr. Kwon Mirung, I’m in charge of your husband’s medications.” _Medications_? You frowned to yourself.

“Do you mind telling me what he’s been taking medication for?” Your heart was racing and your heart was sinking into your stomach at the thought of him being that sick.

The doctor told you, and you felt your heart break into thousands of pieces. You sat down on the couch, not bothering to listen to whatever else the doctor had to say. You were too shocked to even cry. The bathroom door opened and you stood up, turning to look at him. Facing him made it all too real. The tears welled in your eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“Really, Chanyeol?” You took in the sight of him. “Why wouldn’t you tell me something like this? Do you think I’m indestructible? Do you think _you’re_ indestructible?”

“W-what are you talking about?” His posture gave him away. His own eyes were full of tears as he looked at you. “I didn’t want you to find out like this.”

“When did you want me to find out? When your fucking brain tumor _killed_ you?” You didn’t mean to be mad at him, but you would’ve helped him if you knew. “In what world was it a good idea for you to keep this from me? Y-you’ve been -” You couldn’t even stay mad at him. Your heart broke and you started crying. “When did you find out?” There was silence. You knew it had to have been a long time ago.

“The day I asked you to marry me.” His words crushed your heart again. You should’ve known. You remembered it so vividly, as he told you that if you didn’t get married soon you wouldn’t have the chance. All of that was because he was _dying_. You took a deep shaky breath and looked away from him.

“W-we can still get you treatments and we’ll both be okay -”

“It’s too late.”

“It’s _not_ too late, don’t you dare say that.” You turned back to him and you could clearly see as his heart broke.

“D-do you know why I made the decision to ask you to marry me?” He walked closer to you, gripping your arms as you looked into his tear-filled brown eyes. “I didn’t want to spend my last few months without you knowing how much I love you. Honestly? I don’t care that I’m dying. The only thing tying me here is _you_. The hardest part of this is accepting that I have to leave you.”

“Why you?” You sniffled, a tear falling from your eye. “You of all people. You haven’t done anything wrong -”

“Everything’s going to be okay. I know that with or without me you’ll do so well in life. I just had to call you my wife before I died and…if that’s selfish, I’m sorry. You can still leave if you want. It’s not too early to get an annulment.”

“What the hell?” You shook your head. “I’m not leaving you alone in a time like this. We fell in love and I…won’t ever stop loving you, Park Chanyeol, but you have to do what you have to do and I’m going to support you every step of the way. You’re the most reckless man I’ve ever met and I swear I love you for it.”

He pulled you in for a hug and you buried your head in his shoulder. Your stomach felt uneasy at the thought of Chanyeol leaving you so quickly.

“How much longer do you have…?” You mumbled against his shoulder.

“Two months.” He replied just as shortly. Your breath hitched and he held you tighter to him at the sound. He gently ran his fingers through your hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” You told him. “We’ve just got to make these two months the best that we can.”

“Can you promise me something?” His voice had never been so small around you. You knew that you had to uphold whatever he asked of you. It was only fair.

“Anything, Chan.”

“W-when I’m gone…please don’t wait to move on. I understand that you love me, and I love you too, so much more than you know, but you can’t be stuck on this forever. Whatever happens isn’t your fault. I know how you think.” His words crushed you even more. You shook your head.

“I can’t promise you that. Anything but that.” You looked up at Chanyeol, seeing him attempt to smile at you. You wiped his tears away. “Stop crying, you’re making me cry.” You heard him chuckle a little before he leaned down to kiss you softly.

“I love you so much.” He whispered. “I hate doing this. I hate that I have to leave you alone. I was supposed to protect you and make you happy.”

“Chanyeol, you do make me happy. You make me the happiest I’ve been in my entire life. No matter how much time we have left, you’re always going to be with me. You’re not leaving me. It’s okay.”

* * *

The next month went smoothly, except for a few appointments you went to with Chanyeol. They ran so many tests on him and it was hard to see him hooked to so many machines. For the first time since he developed his illness, he actually _looked_ sick. You hated that.

He was sleeping less, eating less, and anything he _did_ eat, he threw back up. It made you incredibly sad but you didn’t dare let Chanyeol feel bad. He didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t his fault. At night, you would play with his hair until he fell asleep, which oddly took so long considering how tired he was all the time.

In other words, he was becoming weaker. He had become so frail and undeniably breakable, you couldn’t bear watching him like that. Tonight, he was laying against you, his breathing a little off. It had been like that for a while.

He looked up at you, his eyes drooping and bland. You gently touched his face with your fingertips and he leaned into your touch, sighing in relief. You felt his shaky breaths against your skin and you almost began to cry. You wanted to cry, but you wouldn’t. Chanyeol deserved better than that.

“How are you feeling, my love?” You asked him, tracing his more defined cheekbones. He’d lost so much weight that even his cheeks had lost their roundness.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered to you. “I shouldn’t have made you marry me so early when I didn’t have time.”

“You didn’t make me do anything, Chan. I would’ve gladly married you two years ago as well. You’re everything.” At your words, his eyes fluttered closed and a small smile graced his face.

* * *

The next morning, Baekhyun came over and you headed to the doctor's’ office yourself. You felt kind of off lately and you just wanted to make sure everything was okay. The doctor took blood samples and told you he could go process them while you waited.

You only waited an hour before the doctor called you back into his office. You sat across from him and nervously tapped your foot on the ground. You were sure there was nothing wrong with you, but you couldn’t help being nervous.

“So, Mrs. Park,” The doctor began. “I’ve heard about your husband’s condition and I am…so very sorry. I know how hard it is for anyone when their significant other is hurt or facing death. So that in mind, I think you’re going to be receiving some good news today. Based on how you perceive it, that is.” You nodded along, feeling your mind stop whirling for the first time you set foot in that office.

“He’s…how anyone would be expected to be.” You nodded. “So, what’s the news?”

“As it turns out, you’re pregnant.”

* * *

You didn’t go home after that. You walked up and down the streets so you could think. You held your hand over your stomach for a second, realizing that something you and Chanyeol had created was growing inside you. Could you really do this without Chanyeol? Could you _really_ live without him?

Tears pricked at your eyes for the first time in weeks, you’d been so good about holding it back. You grabbed your phone, seeing that Baekhyun asked you where you were. You texted him back to tell him that you’d be back soon. You didn’t get a response after that. You sat down on a bench by the street.

You looked up at the sky, the gray clouds drifting across the sky. You buried your head in your palms, unable to hold back the tears anymore. They’d built up so much that they would’ve leaked out on their own anyway.

“(Y/N)?” You looked up to see Junmyeon.

“Oh, hey.” You attempted to smile at him, but you just couldn’t. He sat next to you and put his hand on your shoulder.

“I know it’s hard, but in the end, everyone will be okay. You know that. Chanyeol’s more worried about you than he lets on, you know.” Junmyeon’s words caught your attention. “He’s so terrified that he’s hurting you. I’ve never seen _anyone_ love someone as much as Chanyeol loves you. I mean, the man’s dying and you’re his first priority.” You bit down on your bottom lip and felt the tears fall from your eyes.

“Junmyeon, I don’t want him to worry for me.” Your voice shook. “He’s not hurting me. I just…I don’t want him to go.”

“That’s understandable, I don’t either.” Junmyeon wasn’t looking at you, but instead, up to the sky. “No matter what we say, he’s going to blame himself. At least when he goes up, he won’t be alone.” Your thoughts travelled back to your brother, feeling more tears well in your eyes. Junmyeon wrapped his arm around you, letting you cry against his shoulder.

Just like you lost your brother, Park Chanyeol would be joining him soon.

* * *

You arrived back home, softly closing the door behind you as you entered. You saw Chanyeol sit up on the couch as he looked at you, a sigh of relief escaping his lips. If only he knew what you were about to tell him. You had a little baby version of Chanyeol growing inside you.

“Chan, I have to tell you something.” You told him quietly as you sat next to him on the couch. You could barely look at him anymore, he just didn’t look like the Chanyeol you knew.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, noticing immediately that you were upset.

“I went to the doctor’s today, just to check up and make sure everything was okay.” You informed him.

“And?” He asked, frowning as he tilted his head.

“I-I’m pregnant.” You told him. You watched as his jaw dropped. Before you could even understand what was happening, he had you wrapped up in his arms. You immediately relaxed in his touch.

“Are you serious?” He looked back into your eyes, his own filling with tears as he smiled weakly. “We - we made a baby?” His hand shot to your stomach to feel.

“We did.” You nodded, smiling at him. You felt your own eyes well up once again as he got more excited by the second. Once reality hit him, however, his smile dropped as he looked at you. You raised your eyebrow at him.

“I-I’m not going to be here for the check ups. Or the birth. Or anything.” He took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I have to leave but I left you with a constant reminder of me…I’m sorry.”

“Chan, never apologize for that again.” You told him sternly. “I’m so happy. My heart is beating so fast right now because I’m nervous, but if I still have a part of you…that means that no matter what I’ll never forget you. I don’t want to forget you.” You felt his lips against yours again. You’d learned to cherish his lips, which still remained soft despite the weather changes in December and the illness that was slowly ebbing away at his body.

“I love you.” He whispered, his kiss was urgent, full of need as the words left his lips. “Don’t ever forget about me.”

“Never.” You replied. “I love you too.” You hadn’t felt his lips against yours so urgently since your wedding night. The man before you, frail and weak, still loved you with all of his heart. Everything he was doing was for you.

You felt your back press against the couch and he was on top of you, his body lodged between your legs. For a second you forgot about his terminal illness, the fact that his baby was growing inside you, that you were losing everything, because all you knew was Chanyeol.

He still managed to move his hips against yours as he had before, the breath catching in your throat as he moved against you. It had been at least a month since he touched you and you were absolutely, mind blowingly weak to this man.

“Chanyeol, you’re going to hurt yourself -”

“I would go through endless pain for you, my love.” He whispered, lowering his lips to kiss your neck. He nipped on the skin and a short moan escaped your lips. He froze for a second and you felt his eyelashes flutter against your skin.

“Are you alright?” You asked him.

“I-I’m okay.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “It just scares me that this might be the last time I hear that. That this will be the last time I can prove my love to you.” His words hit home. He was terrified of dying. You knew that much, you knew that he was scared. Why he didn’t tell you, you could almost understand, but not quite. You were his wife. You were there for him.

“Chan, you once told me that two people don’t need to have sex to know that they love each other. I know you love me. Please don’t do this just for me. Don’t get yourself hurt because of me.” You were practically begging him. He grabbed your hand and put it over his heart. The feeling was faint but you felt just how fast his heart was beating.

“It’s not just for you. I miss you.” He told you quietly, reconnecting your lips. You faded into his touch, allowing him to continue what he was doing. He pulled away from your lips and a groan of pain left his. You sprang to action, sitting him down on the couch instead of on top of you.

“God damn it.” He groaned, grabbing at his hair. “ _Fuck._ ”

“Chan, it’s okay. Do you need medicine?” You grabbed his hands to keep him from ripping his hair out.

“I-I just took some.” He was shaking from the pain at this point, clenching his fists together. “I’ll be okay. I will.”

“What can I do?” You asked him.

“It’ll go away in a second. Please don’t worry about me.” He wrapped his arms around you this time, holding you to his chest as he kissed the top of your head. “I’m sorry I’m doing this to you.”

“You’re not doing anything to me.” You shook your head. “Chan, I’m always going to be here for you. You don’t have to try and protect me from anything.” Your heart was sinking in your chest and you heard his beating fast. His breathing calmed down as you figured his pain faded.

He stood up, looking away from you. You sat on the couch and looked at the abnormally frail man before you. You almost started crying just seeing him like this.

“Damn it.” He buried his face in his hands. You stood up and walked to him, watching as he nearly faded into your touch, the tears streaming down his face.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, rubbing his back gently.

“I-I don’t have a lot of time left and I can’t even…I can’t even - I’m barely twenty-six and I can’t even touch my wife without this happening.” He couldn’t look at you. You felt your own eyes well with tears and you didn’t know what to say to him.

“I know, Chan, I know, but this is not your fault. Please talk to me. I know that you’re terrified and I just want you to talk to me. I’m your wife, and no matter how much time passes, or how much time you have left, that will be the truth.” You began. “Tell me about your worries.”

“I have to leave you.” His voice was weak and strained. “I-I don’t want to die. I don’t want to miss the birth of my child or watching her grow up…I don’t want you to live the rest of your life without me.”

“She’s going to understand.” You nodded. “She’s going to know that you tried your hardest and that’s all that matters. She’s going to be just like you with your stupid, dorky smile and your giant ears - she’s going to have those and I’m going to love her with everything I have because in a way, she is you.” You couldn’t help the way your voice shook.

“Time is running out and I’m so scared. It hurts so much, it’s like my head is going to explode every second of every day. B-but I have you, so I’m not so scared. I remember two years ago that you told me I made everything go away and that’s what you do for me. As long as I have you, I won’t be scared.” He explained to you. “It’s okay to be sad, you know? I know you’re sad. I’m sad too. You don’t have to hide because you think it’ll hurt me. It hurts me to see you hold all of this in.” His grip around you tightened and you couldn’t help but feel the tears slip from your eyes.

Chanyeol had always known you better than you knew yourself. You should’ve known better than to keep this from him.

“I’ll always be with you, my love.” He whispered. “ _Always_.”

* * *

As the weeks dwindled on, Junmyeon and Baekhyun began to stay at the apartment. You both knew what that meant; they were simply waiting until he had to be rushed to the hospital, until his brain tumor finally took his life.

You, of course, were not ready for him to leave. You knew he had no choice, but despite that, you couldn’t tell him that. It wasn’t his fault that he was dying. You were almost two months pregnant at this point. Jun and Baek were also there to help you with that once Chanyeol was gone. The three of you had a very detailed conversation that had led you to tears.

* * *

_“I know you don’t want to talk about it…but his time’s almost up, (Y/N).” Junmyeon’s voice was steady, like he wasn’t even affected by the fact that one of his best friends was going to die. “What are you going to do with the baby? Adoption?” The option he gave you almost offended you. There was no way you could give up your last piece of Chanyeol._

_“No way.” You shook your head. “I’m keeping my baby. Why would I give up the one thing Chanyeol left behind?” You hadn’t meant for your voice to sound so angry. You didn’t think you were angry at Chanyeol, it wasn’t his fault. At the same time, he’d kept it from you and instead of getting treatments, he was spending his time marrying you._

_“You’ve just got to be smart. Are you really ready to take care of a baby without Chanyeol?”_

* * *

You weren’t ready. There was no denying that. However, you had to do it. You couldn’t just give up Chanyeol’s baby, _your_ baby.

If you thought Chanyeol was doing bad before, you were wrong. He had deteriorated within the past two weeks faster than you’d ever seen. His arms that used to be strong and muscular, were now maybe the size of your own. You thought about taking him to the hospital now, so they could help him, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to be with you as long as he could.

It was the morning after that conversation with Junmyeon that you woke up in the middle of the night. You jolted up when you realized just how violent Chanyeol’s body was shaking next to yours. You’d never yelled so loud in your life, calling for Junmyeon and Baekhyun.

By the time they’d made it into the room, Baekhyun was already calling for an ambulance. You felt numb as the paramedics allowed you into the ambulance with them. They’d gotten the seizure to stop, even though they couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t have another one. You squeezed his hand in yours as he looked at you with weak eyes.

You’d never seen Chanyeol’s eyes like that. They seemed dull, lacking any color as they drooped. His hand was limp in yours. You closed your eyes and prayed silently to whatever higher power would listen. You didn’t do that often, but you needed a miracle. You needed Chanyeol to be okay.

When you opened your eyes, he was still looking at you, as if he was trying to say something to you. You touched his face, watching as he closed his eyes slowly, a tear slipping down. He was going to die tonight and he knew it. You knew just as well as he did.

“It’s okay.” You whispered to him in a broken voice. “You don’t have to hold on for me.” You ran your thumb over his cheek, attempting to give him a small smile. Of course you didn’t want him to leave, but it was better for him if he just left now. If he stayed, he’d constantly be in pain. It was selfish of you to want that.

Junmyeon and Baekhyun were following the ambulance, Baekhyun texting you like crazy. You couldn’t answer any of them. These were your last moments with Chanyeol and you weren’t going to take your eyes off of him.

You squeezed his hand once more, the paramedics still watching him closely. They were waiting for another seizure to overtake him, because they were certain he wouldn’t make it through this. You knew better than to think otherwise.

You loved Chanyeol, and that was why you had to let him go.

You didn’t even make it to the hospital before you heard the flatline on his monitor.

* * *

His funeral was a whirlwind of tears and pain for you. You could barely even begin to comprehend what was happening. Baekhyun stayed close to you at all times, no matter how much you told him you would be fine. He, thankfully, saw right through that.

“He loves you, (Y/N).” Baekhyun whispered to you. “I know you’re hurting right now, but as long as you remember that he truly loves you with all of his heart, it’ll get better. We’re all going to get better.”

The funeral was almost over. You’d met Chanyeol’s parents dozens of times, but now was surreal. Their son, your husband, was dead. You went up to the stand after his mother to say the words you needed to. You looked up, seeing not only his family, but his friends and even your mother as well. It had taken a while, but after Chanyeol’s death, your mother realized what she had done wrong.

“I’ve known Chanyeol my whole life.” You began, cursing yourself mentally for your already shaky voice. “And you may think that’s an exaggeration, but he was best friends with my brother, Jinhwa, for nearly twenty years. Through mine and Chanyeol’s time together, it becomes evident how tragedy can really bring people together. Everything happened so fast yet it clearly wasn’t fast enough and now he’s…gone. I remember, just six months ago, when he asked me to marry him. I don’t regret a single moment of my time with Chan. He took everything that was bad and made it good. He made my life worth living. Maybe marrying him while I’m still so young was a mistake to others, but I never even doubted that I - I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.” You paused for a second, feeling the lump in your throat intensify as you attempted to say the words you needed everyone to know. You truly loved Chanyeol more than life itself. He was your life. “A-and I’m just so grateful that I got the amount of time with him that I did. He was the best man that I’ve ever had the honor to meet and I hope that he rests well. After these past few months, he definitely deserves it.”

You stepped away from the stand, wiping your eyes quickly of the tears that had gathered there. You sat back with Baekhyun on your right and Junmyeon on your left. You’d never seen either of those men cry, but today was a different story. Junmyeon gripped your hand tightly once you sat down, giving you a small smile despite his tear filled eyes.

As the funeral came to an end, you almost felt _better_. His parents, only just finding out about your pregnancy, promised you that they would help you and that they wanted to be active in the child’s life. You had no problems with that, and you exchanged numbers with his mother.

Lowering him into the ground was what made you realize just how real this was. After this, you would go home and you would never see him again. There would no longer be someone sleeping beside you and there was no longer anyone else living there. Most of Chanyeol’s things were still there. The rest of the funeral passed in a blur as you remembered the stupid red sweatshirt of his that you took and never gave back.

You smiled at the memory until you realized that now, all he was, was a memory.

* * *

For the next few months, you visited his grave every day. You would sit on the ground and put a flower down on the dirt, whether it was raining or not. You would drown yourself in rain rather than missing him for a day.

Even as your stomach grew to accommodate your child, you didn’t stop. He deserved to see her, after all, because she was his child. You actually had no idea what gender your baby would be - Chanyeol had been set on a little baby girl, so you were sure that’s what she would be.

Yours and Chanyeol’s baby was two months premature. The doctors weren’t worried for her life, but you were. You’d already lost Chanyeol all those months before, you couldn’t lose your last connection with him. However, you clearly worried for nothing. Your baby girl was healthy despite her early birth and you only had to wait a couple days to bring her home.

You named her Chanmi.

Eventually, you stopped visiting him everyday. You had to, after all, since you knew it was unhealthy to visit your husband’s grave when you had his daughter at home to take care of. Your fingers danced over the cold gravestone, feeling the tears well in your eyes as you took in the scene before you.

One day, when your daughter began to ask about her father, you would bring her here. You figured he’d like to see her as well, to finally see what he had missed. You smiled, despite the tear rolling down your face, as you placed the flowers down.

Yes, you and Chanyeol had been through a lot throughout your years, and you never thought you’d lose him, at least not so early, but you did. There was nothing you could do about that. You still missed the nights where you would turn around and he would be there. You were still so young yet you knew so much pain and heartache.

Even then, you never wondered what would’ve happened if you didn’t have Chanyeol. You would’ve done the same things if you could do it again. You would go through a lifetime of pain and suffering, if only you could just have another moment with Chanyeol.

“I know you wouldn’t want me to be here right now.” You stuck your hands in your coat pockets, the chill of the air finally making them feel numb. “I’ll stop coming so often, I promise, but for now I just need to see you one more time. I promise I’ve been strong for our daughter. She looks so much like you, you know. I’ve never seen such big ears on a baby.” You laughed despite the streams of tears nearly freezing to your face in the weather.

You were silent for a few, just staring at the gravestone for the same man that you had loved with all your heart. You truly believed you would never find someone who genuinely cared for you like Chanyeol did.

No, you wouldn’t, but that was okay. It was okay because you only wanted Chanyeol. However, you knew he would want you to move on. You weren’t going to do that; not yet, anyway, but who knew what fate had in store for you?

 _Because_ no season could last forever, this freezing winter that tormented your heart would not last. You were certain that you would be happy again, and with your daughter, you were getting there.

Your fingertips brushed against the gravestone once more before the words formed in your mind that you’d never be able to tell him again.

_I miss you._


	11. Epilogue

After the first few months of raising Chanmi, you were sure you would be fine. Once she began to teeth, she was crying all the time. She wasn’t even crying, more like screaming. Even with Junmyeon and Baekhyun’s help, it was easily becoming too much for you.

Thinking back, you wondered what would’ve happened had Baekhyun not found you attempting to down a bottle of vodka. You’d barely gotten any of the liquid down your throat before Baekhyun was quickly pulling it away from you.

You immediately broke down, his arms wrapped securely around you as you sobbed over the loss of the best man you’d ever had the pleasure to meet; over the loss of your husband, your best friend, the father of your child.

He held you while you screamed how unfair it was, while you cried for the man who was no longer around. He held you while you yelled at Chanyeol for leaving you alone. You screamed at the top of your lungs, hoping he’d hear how mad you were at him.

Because of him, you were broken; defective. You cried yourself to sleep that night, after screaming until your throat was raw. That was the night that you stopped pretending you were okay enough to take care of your daughter.

For a while, much to your protest, Chanyeol’s parents took Chanmi in until you were sure you were stable enough to take care and to love Chanmi. So that’s exactly what you did. You pulled through for your barely born daughter.

His parents also brought you aside, giving you an envelope with your name on it in Chanyeol’s painfully familiar handwriting. You waited until they were gone before you sat at the kitchen table, opening the envelope carefully. The first thing you pulled out was a small picture. You almost burst into tears at the sight of it; it was a picture of the two of you from your sixteenth birthday, you were smiling as widely as possible, nearly burying your head into his chest in the embarrassment of him making you take a selfie with him. Of course, you were wearing the familiar red sweatshirt the two of you always battled for.

> _To my dear wife,_
> 
> _I know it will be a while after my funeral that you’ll be reading this. I’ve also enclosed a photo. I remember that day so well. It was half a year after I discovered my feelings for you and it was also the first day you stole my sweatshirt. The thought of that still makes my heart flutter, you know? I like to believe that you fell for me around that point in time._
> 
> _I look at that photo and I realize just what I’m leaving behind. My love, I don’t want to leave you, or our baby. Our beautiful baby that I know you’ll raise so well. Honestly, I’m terrified. I’m terrified to leave this Earth when I’m sure I have nowhere to go. I’m scared of where I’ll end up, or that we will end up in different places. When your time comes, you’ll meet me again, right? We’ll get a second chance? As hopeful as that sounds, that’s the only thing allowing me to be ready for death._
> 
> _That sounds ridiculous. How could anyone be ready to die? To leave those they love? The fact that I have to leave you hurts me so much that I feel I’ll be brought upon an even earlier death. I know it’s almost time, and that’s why I’m writing this to you. I gave it to my parents for safe keeping, until after the funeral._
> 
> _This is what I want from you: for you to be happy. I know it was so selfish of me to keep this from you, to let you love me when I knew my life was coming to an end, and quickly at that. It was incredibly selfish, but (Y/N), I needed you. I still do, and I always will. Now, our daughter will as well._
> 
> _Fucking cancer. I hate cancer. I wish I could just get rid of it. I don’t want to fade into the memories of those who cared about me. I don’t want to be forgotten, I’m terrified that my daughter won’t know my name, or that she won’t know how badly I wanted to stay for her. She won’t know how much I truly loved her, and her mother as well. Her beautiful, extraordinary mother that made me so happy. This serves as a reminder to you. You are the woman I fell for, the woman I fell in love with all that time ago._
> 
> _Please, you can blame me if you want to. You can hate me, vandalize my gravestone, I don’t care. I want you to be happy. Whatever it takes for you to be happy. I need you to live the life you deserve, not an empty one because you think I’ll be upset if you move on. I just…I wish I could hold you one last time. I wish I could kiss you like I could the first day I told you I loved you. I wish I could laugh with you like we used to._
> 
> _I will make a promise to you right now, my love, as I finish this letter. I promise that even if my life is taken from me, it is yours. Every single thing of mine is yours. Since day one, that has been the truth. But the real promise? The real promise is that I’ll meet you again. Whether it’s in the afterlife, a few days from now, a few months, years, decades, or even millennia, I will find you and I will remember you, and most of all, I’ll still love you. Please never forget about me, (Y/N). I love you._
> 
> _\- Your husband, Park Chanyeol_

You began therapy, which oddly helped you despite the aura surrounding any shrink. You talked about Chanyeol, how some days you would cry just because you couldn’t function anymore. Even your therapist made comments on just how pure yours and Chanyeol’s love sounded. It was ‘a match made in heaven that was separated too early’. You almost laughed at that one.  _Almost_.

It was a few months after Chanmi’s first birthday that you were able to take her back in. You had a hard time still because Chanyeol had been right. She was a constant reminder of him and every day she grew to be more like him. From her laugh to the way her eyes gleamed, she was Chanyeol.

The day she came back into your life, you decided that it was a time of forgiveness. It wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault that he died, that he left, but that didn’t mean you could help being mad at him. You wanted to hate him for leaving you but even the thought of hating him made you cry.

The next week, Baekhyun watched her as you visited Chanyeol’s gravestone. You sat on the dirt in front of it, running your fingers over the stone. Over the past year and a half, it had become… _dirty_. It hurt you just to be there. You weren’t doing the one thing he had wanted you to do - move on.

“This is so hard, Chan.” You already felt the tears welling in your eyes. “I don’t know if you’re still here, waiting to hear from me but I can’t take it anymore. Every day it’s worse and worse, all I think about is you.” You sniffled, wiping away a tear quickly. “Did you really have to leave? God damn it, Park Chanyeol, how could you leave us like this?” Your voice shook as you got louder.

“I just…I loved you so fucking much, Chan, how did you leave me so easily?” You bit down on your lip as you took out your frustration on this gravestone that was supposed to represent your husband.

> _Park Chanyeol_
> 
> _It is not length of life, but depth of life._
> 
> _He jumped into life and never touched bottom._
> 
> _1992.11.27 - 2017.12.04_

“I just -” You scoffed, wiping away your tears, shaking your head as you looked at the gravestone. “I guess I hit the bottom for you.”

The next fifteen years were hard. Small questions from Chanmi asking who her father was, where he was, what he was doing. You played it off for as long as you possibly could, but sixteen year old Chanmi was done with waiting for the news. She even dared to ask you if Baekhyun was her father. You quickly,  _quickly_  assured her otherwise.

_“He was a great man, Chanmi. I grew up with him, he was my brother’s best friend. It’s a cliché story, really, the girl falling in love with her older brother’s best friend. Maybe I was foolish back then, falling in love with a man so out of my reach. It really didn’t help that he was attractive, Chanmi, I’m serious. He was dangerous since day one._

_I never imagined someone like him would ever fall for me, honestly. About three months after I married him, I found out that…that he was dying. It was hard. It was so damn hard to come to terms with the fact that the man I’d been in love with for years was simply going to die and I couldn’t do anything about it._

_He was strong, despite the situation he was strong for me. He put aside his illness for me even though he physically deteriorated every day. Chanmi, your father was such a strong man. He didn’t get to meet you but he loved you so much. I miss him…so much every day even sixteen years later._

_I remember the night he died like it was yesterday. I’ll never forget what he looked like when he was trying to hold on to his life just for us…_

_The point is…is your father, Park Chanyeol, was the best man I’d ever met. I-I hope that one day you can find someone who genuinely cares for you as your father did for me. Just…don’t ever question if your dad loved you. He held on for so long…so damn long because he wanted to meet you._

_I guess…I guess I was mad at him for a while, you know? Blamed him, maybe. I mean - he could’ve told me earlier. We could’ve gotten him treatments but…ultimately I understand why he did that. Brain cancer…is unpredictable. There was no way he could’ve lived much longer with treatments or not._

_He loved me. It took me so long to realize that he had to go early because the longer he stayed, the more he didn’t want to leave. The longer he stayed…the more of a hole he would leave in the hearts that he loved. He loved us - you, Uncle Junmyeon, Uncle Baekhyun, and I - he loved us so much._

_So maybe this was fate or a destiny of some sort, I don’t know, but all of this led me to you. And you? You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. And I don’t want you to think for one second that that isn’t the truth.”_

And for the first time in years, you broke down into tears over Park Chanyeol, except this time, Park Chanmi was there to comfort you.


	12. Epilogue: We Meet Again

_오십칠 년후…_   
_57 years later…_

Of course, your daughter Chanmi was terrified when her nearly ninety-year-old mother was being rushed to the hospital - the official diagnosis was heart failure.

Finally, after all these years, your heart gave up on you. You didn’t mind dying. You wondered what would happen now. You sat up on your hospital bed, knowing very well that you were dead. You looked down at your hands, smiling when you saw that the skin was smooth, no longer wrinkled.

You looked up, feeling your smile widen when you saw who was in front of you. Adorned with a black fedora and a black trench coat, was your brother. Jinhwa stood in front of you, a bittersweet smile stuck on his face.

“Hey, sis.” His eyes welled with tears. “You got fucking old.”

“Yeah, Jin, that’s what happens when people don’t die early.” You teased him. You felt your tears slip out and you sniffled before wiping them away. This was real and this was your brother.

“I’m supposed to take you up with me.” He told you. “But there’s something we need to do first, yeah? Come on.” He held out his hand to you and you gladly took it, happy that you finally got your brother again.

“Where are we going?”

The two of you seemingly teleported to somewhere else. The room was old, the wood that made up the walls was split in some places. It gave you a nostalgic feel and once you took in the sight you remembered where this was.

It was the same cabin your whole family - along with Chanyeol and Minji - came to every summer until the accident. You felt yourself choke up and this time you couldn’t hold back your tears. Jinhwa’s arms wrapped around you and he let you cry for a few minutes before he looked at you, wiping your tears away.

“Don’t cry yet you big baby, I haven’t even gotten to the good part.” He chuckled, making you slap his arm and giggle.

“Don’t be mean to me I haven’t seen you in a lot of decades.” You frowned at him.

“Okay, I have a surprise for you. Really, it was his idea. Of course, it’s one hundred percent up to you. He…Chanyeol wants to see you.” His words sent a pang to your heart and you looked at him with wide eyes, trying to decipher if he was serious or not.

For the first time in decades, you felt butterflies in your stomach. Chanyeol still found a way to make you nervous. Jinhwa must have noticed because his smile widened as he looked at you. You played with your wedding ring on your finger, your heart racing. Something about Chanyeol just…got your old, broken down heart beating again.

“H-he’s here? Right now?” You asked.

“He never left,” Jinhwa replied simply.

“What do you mean?”

“He refused to go up when he died. He’s been roaming for 70 years, waiting for you. He’s been around you, as have I, but you haven’t seen us.” He told you. You had known for a long time that Chanyeol was still around somehow - that was how you got to sleep at night.

“H-he waited for me…” You trailed off, remembering the letter he wrote to you. You wondered if Chanmi would find it, if she would keep it and reminisce about her deceased parents. You hoped she would be okay. Your death was exactly  _sudden_  but it hurt when anyone you knew died. You looked at your brother once more. “Y-you stayed too…Jinhwa…”

“It’s not like I could leave my baby sister, now could I?”

“Technically I’m older than you now.” You giggled through your tears.

“Don’t even play that card with me.” He pointed his finger at you. “You’ll always be my little sister. No matter how many more wrinkles you’ve got.” You smiled, shaking your head. He touched your shoulder. “I’ll go get him now, okay?” You nodded slowly, watching as he walked out the door. You sat down in the big oak chair that you remembered so well and you waited for him to come back with the one person you’d waited all this time to see.

Except, when the door opened, Jinhwa wasn’t with him. It was just your all too familiar husband - his hair still bright red. You bit down on your bottom lip, feeling more tears well in your eyes just at the thought of him. He looked you and you heard him take a deep breath.

“I’ve been waiting for you.” There was an awkward strain in his voice as he looked at you. “I’ve seen you but you haven’t seen me.”

“It’s been so long…” You trailed off, unable to continue saying anything as the lump in your throat grew unbearably.

“I’m sorry.” He looked at you, clearly unable to move forward. “I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I couldn’t love and protect you like I promised you. I left so early, not knowing if I’d ever get to say this to you in person.”

“Chan…”

“No, don’t tell me it was okay. We may have spent a long time apart, but I still know you better than you think.” He cleared his throat, before moving closer to you. “I was so selfish, I can see that now. After I saw all the pain I caused you, I wanted so badly to come back but I couldn’t. I couldn’t just go back into my body and go to you and hug you like I wanted to. I couldn’t kiss you like I wanted to.

There’s things that I’ll never be able to make up for and that hurts to say but it’s the truth. I hurt you and I know how badly I did. I watched that night - when Baekhyun stopped you from drinking. I remembered wanting to intervene myself and I hated myself for not being able to. I hated that I couldn’t keep you healthy and happy as I had before.

You had every right - and I mean  _every_  right - to be pissed off at me. I saw how broken you were and that was all my fault. I-I was such an asshole…I did so many things to make sure you remembered me…

I even went so far as to try to get you pregnant…I knew what I was doing and I’m sorry I was so selfish. Because of me, you had to raise Chanmi by yourself and she…she never had a dad. She even started to think that Baekhyun was…I’m sorry.

You don’t have to forgive me, but please don’t blame yourself for anything that happened. None of that was on you…” He stopped, the tears streaming down his face as he turned around. He couldn’t even bear to look at you anymore.

“If I didn’t have Chanmi, I don’t know how I would’ve made it through that. Chan, you think what you did was bad but I cherished  _every_  moment I’d ever had with you. Please don’t think that I’m mad at you.” It was finally you who gained the courage to walk up to him. You wrapped your arms around him and he practically melted into your touch.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Sobs wracked his body as you held onto him, finally feeling like you were (ironically)  _alive_  again. Truly, you’d been dead since the day Chanyeol left. He pulled back from you only to press his lips against yours, kissing you slowly. His hand moved up to cup your face, his tears melding with your own as you held him for the first time in seventy years. His skin was so soft under your touch and it was almost as if no time had passed at all. He was still Chanyeol -  _your_  Chanyeol.

“We’re together now, just like you told me.” You ran your fingers through his hair. “I’m not going anywhere without you this time.”

“Guys…” Jinhwa’s voice sounded from behind Chanyeol. The two of you looked to him and he continued. “It’s time to go up now…You’ll be together up there.” Chanyeol laced his fingers with yours and squeezed you tightly.

“Then let’s go.” You nodded, using your other hand to wipe your tears away. “Together this time.” You flashed a smile at your husband and he returned it.

“Together.”

And this time, the two of you left with no regrets. Your brother and Chanyeol seemed as if they made amends with each other. You and Chanyeol kept your hands intertwined as you made your ascent, finally going to be right where you belonged.

Together, forever.


End file.
